Dear Agony Akka,
I am a resident of Chennai since last five years and each year the mosquito menace is getting more and more out of control. In public places I find myself scratching and swatting my body in various awkward places. My arms and legs are beginning to be filled with scabs and red bite marks. Eating buffet dinners is already a difficult task and when these are held outdoors, it becomes impossible — I have to balance plate in one hand, cutlery in the other, and then the mosquitoes begin biting and I have no hands left to swat them. Two days back we went for socially distanced dinner to a neighbour’s house and whole evening I spent swatting mosquitoes and not being able to focus on the chitchat. When we came home, my husband told me it was bad manners to kill mosquitoes when you are a guest. Is this true? Are there any etiquette rules regarding mosquito problem?
— Mauled and Desperate
Dear MAD,
If y ou had even an iota of historical knowledge, you will know that more than 10,000 years ago our ancient Indian civilisation had invented full-body saris and dhotis and salwar-kameez to counter precisely this mosquito menace only. That is why we need to bring back sanskari clothing — not to encourage modesty but to discourage malaria. Now if you modern people are going to wander around in shorts and miniskirts and sleeveless tops, how can you expect to keep mosquitoes away? After all, it is the nature of mosquito to bite bare skin, just like it is nature of menfolk to rape. That is why sensible people like award-winning actresses and judges are always telling us that it is in our own hands to prevent rape and mosquito bites.
Backward move
In my own building society, I am always advising women to go back to ghoonghats or burquas — not only can you save money on facials and make-up items, you can be saved from mosquitoes as well. If you also fully cover arms and legs, then you can also save money on waxing. And no longer will you be writing letters complaining about scabs and red blobs on skin.
Your husband is absolutely correct — it is bad manners to go to someone’s house and keep swatting mosquitoes. You will only make the hostess feel bad. Mind you, I have always happily swatted away, but I am very charming and can get away with all this. I am not sure you can. Instead, you could invest in frilly, long-sleeved blouses like heroines in old Bengali films and keep these for all outdoor affairs. You will look cool and also become mosquito-proof.
Take it up
Alternatively, I also suggest colour-coordinated mosquito bats. Like matching masks, learn to carry a bat with you. Not only can you use it on mosquitoes, but you can even zap all those men who feel compelled to call you dear and put their arm around your shoulders.
I am personally deeply against the idea of buffet dinners where they don’t even give you a spot to sit. Balancing plate, cutlery, wine glass, mosquitoes and octopus-type males is well-nigh impossible even for Indian women who are supposed to be the embodiment of Shakti and Durga and whatnot. One useful skill to pick up, especially for those all-night bhajan affairs and community puja functions, is to learn to coordinate the mosquito swats on various parts of your body with the clapping of the cymbals and drums. People will think you are filled with religious fervour and also that you keep the beat really well. This can only stand you in good stead in the days up ahead.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
