Dear Agony Akka,
I am facing a dilemma. Everyone I know is asking me only one question: “Are you on signal?” At first, I didn’t understand why everyone wanted to know if I am standing at a traffic light. Then I learnt that Signal is a messaging service, like WhatsApp, and everyone wants to shift to it. It seems WhatsApp plans to leak private information about us to its parent company Facebook. How serious is this? I am asking because I belong to many WhatsApp groups: Residents Welfare Association; Office WhatsApp (official, with manager); Office WhatsApp (unofficial, without manager, where we make fun of him); Family group; Friends’ dirty jokes forwarding group... many, many groups like that, mostly for timepass only. Now it seems we have to migrate all groups to Signal because Facebook will read that Flat 12A’s dog bit child of Flat 14B’s resident because child pulled dog’s tail. And Zuckerberg might find a way to make money from this incident. While I don’t want That Man to make even more money at my expense, this shifting seems like too much effort. Is it worth it? Is there any other way?
— 007
Dear 007,
Som e would argue that the best way to punish the folks at Facebook for snooping on your WhatsApp messages is to expose them to the mind-numbing boredom of your daily life. The explicit messages to your husband about what vegetables to buy; the purple prose from daughter’s school about changes in class timetable; the thunderous edicts from RWA Secretary about sorting household garbage... Even Shashi Tharoor’s video introducing us to ‘floccinaucinihilipilification’ is something worth inflicting on our enemies. If you’re lucky, anyone spying on all this will suffer death by tedium. Serves them right.
But we live in the 21st century. I am sure even you, 007, have heard of privacy concerns. Why, even my 12-plus niece knows that Facebook is particularly rapid in sneakily collecting user data. And that nitwit Rashmi from my Rummy Circle warned me that if you spend half an hour on the Internet, Facebook’s algae or some such will find out your lipstick colour and lingerie brand. And use it to make money. Do you want this? Your life might be dull, but must That Man get richer by finding out which bakery’s cake you bought for Christmas?
So, your friends are moving to Signal? So are mine. They’re being a damn nuisance in fact. I’ve just about mastered WhatsApp and now I must learn Signal it seems. My friend Sunita has moved to Signal but can’t find everyone there. She says the ‘network effect’ is missing. What’s that, I asked. Well, she said, it’s like going to a party and finding you’re the only one there. And with no guarantee the others will turn up soon either. Good god woman, I said, come back home! Instead, she’s chomping on all the canapes alone. Of course, a few enterprising souls have set up Signal on two phones — and they chat with themselves. Very fatiguing.
At any rate, I don’t trust Signal either. Soon, like my bank, they too will sell my data. Whatsapp said all its messages were 100% safe, then Navika came on TV reading other people’s chats. WhatsApp’s cover was blown. What rubbish encryption-shencryption.
To return to your problem, 007 (sorry, I got carried away by my own), I am slowly coming to one big realisation in life. Like eureka moment although it does not involve a bathtub.
The only way to stop chat services from collecting your number, BP rate, favourite cafes, tea brands etc (like people collecting stamps in good old innocent days) is to break free. Return to your roots 007. Embrace bush telegraph. Patronise pigeon post. Learn the tom-tom. One big advantage? No blue ticks. Your boss will never know if you’ve read his message or not.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.co m
