Let me tell you a kutti story. Why? Because, in our culture, we always begin with a story.
Centuries ago, even before Mukesh Khanna was born, there was a great man called Ramarananda Pillarahamsa. Vexed with the slow pace of the time, this learned sage mixed a few magical herbs together, smoked a part of it, and used the rest to invent an oil he named vahana prayana thailam . When chariot wheels were greased with this oil, their horsepower doubled. Which was just as well because nubile vanakanyas of yore were fleet of foot and could outrun outdated chariots. With the invention of this oil, they became much easier to catch, and this resulted in a decline in the ancient divorce rate.
Unfortunately for us, the diabolical Arabs, bent on destroying our family structure, built an underground tunnel into our ancient land via Kerala, bribed the caretakers with aromatic biryani, and took the formula and our massive oil stocks away. They named it petrol, and hid it under the desert sands. And that was how, we, the rightful owners of this invention, became slaves of the Arabs and their second cousins, the Mughals. (And that is why, to this day, we order six lakh biryanis per minute on Swiggy.)
Cut to the present: petrol prices are skyrocketing. The ‘librus’, tukde-tukdes, urban naxals and andolanjeevis are going on and on about it. That’s because they don’t get the narrative. They don’t see the chronology.
I say the price of petrol is not high enough. Here’s why. When the price of diamonds goes up, do we crib? Similarly, when Akki ups his fee, a Merc becomes more expensive or Sundar Pichai gets a salary hike, do we see it as a problem? No. We celebrate it. We put those things on the Forbes list. Let’s put our beloved land on the Forbes list of Number One in Petrol Prices. What better way for us to be perceived as a rich country, I say?
That apart, I see the price rise as a masterstroke. Here’s why. If we steadily increase the price of petrol every month, this is what will happen.
In the beginning, people will make up for the shortfall by driving their vehicles for a bit and pushing them manually for a bit. Result: all our vehicles automatically become hybrid vehicles, pollution will lessen, Greta Thunberg will shut up, our population will become fitter, gyms will close down, and Malaika, Ananya and Janhvi will be on the roads. Not in a bad way. But pushing their BMWS.
Next, when the petrol prices become so high, as I hope they will, people will stop buying petrol altogether. And horses will come back in a big way. Imagine the scene. It’ll be like the Golden Age of the Gupta jis all over again.
Where are we going to get so many horses for such a large population so quickly? I’ll answer that Nehruvian question even before you ask it. Babaji, always ahead of the game, would have developed horse’s eggs by then in his lab, using a patented mix of horseradish, peacock tears and duck flatus.
Each family will buy the required number of horse’s eggs and hatch them in their 2BHKs. The little ponies will make great playmates for the children. And when schools reopen, the entire family can ride off in different directions. Daddy to the bar, Mummy to office, and little Chintu and Meghavarshini to school to learn to be patriots.
Good times, I tell you, good times.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
