‘You can see this as your sunset year or sunrise year. Entirely your decision how you write the next few years of your work life’. These words of my friend and colleague forced me to confront my inner self again. As a parent, I am at a juncture where the children are ready to leave the nest for the first time.
In hindsight, as parents we ourselves have been preparing for this day, from the time we choose the little one’s school carefully and over 12 years of education, push them to excel in studies, do extra-curricular activities and be on top of everything. Why did we do this? To make them capable to do something worthwhile as adults, to be employable, to be successful. Higher education is the obvious step after school, then why does this shock and this pain grip when the truth of the empty nest confronts a parent? I am one of those parents, and I have no answer to this astute question.
I have definitely known it for the last two years, ever since the boy started preparing for higher education admissions. In this case he chose to apply for studies outside India, so it was true beyond doubt that I will not be in the same place where he aims to go. Still, didn’t I push him to do well in the competitive tests? Didn’t I look at all the possible colleges and help him with the research? Then why am I in shock? The despair that life is, coming to a point where I will have no reason to come back home to?
In this state of mind, nursing depressing thoughts, crying even in the midst of hectic work, I have joined scores of other parents perhaps who have gone through this, are at this point right now, or are about to be part of the bandwagon.
However, it still does not console the aching heart. It’s about me, it’s about my loss of purpose, it’s about my loneliness – so my mind tells me when I try to reason. Wise ones gently remind me that there is the rest of the family to think of, and I try to turn a blind eye. They are all grown-ups, they don’t need me, and of course they can take care of themselves.
The wise ones start making sense somewhere in this madness. So, while the eyes and heart have coordinated the cycle of tears, the mind and brain try to bring some balance. Google Mother scrounges umpteen search results on how to cope with the empty-nest syndrome. After reading three of them, one can quickly understand that there are very few alternatives available to overcome this time – substitute child for a hobby, or fulfill a longtime wish, otherwise conjure up an unfulfilled dream and try to complete it now – never mind the age, it’s just a number! Yoga and social work are other popular choices too. Some very wise ones try to show the miracles of technology and say that the distance is just a click away. I try to believe that and try to imagine new ways of connecting with my child.
In this abyss, the words of my friend and colleague made an impact. I realised he was in a similar timeline as a parent, too. His wisdom was both as a professional and as a parent. It will take courage to rise, no doubt about that. To find meaning in this sunset and rise above it.
Many years ago when I was going through another crisis, a friend had said I should take a financial loan and then most of tantrums in life would melt away because the focus would shift to the equated monthly instalment and loan re-payment! Believe it or not, I did exactly that and it worked. The choices and priorities of my life changed forever. I am still paying the EMIs; it remains a driving force to fight difficult people, tough jobs, and to grow in the workspace. None of the self-help guides or researched articles will give this as an option to overcome a difficult time.
Similarly, the perspective to either drown and go down with the tide or to infuse passion in work, is rooted in experience. This time is to rise not only for myself but for the child too, who would be looking over the shoulder for support as he moves into the next phase of this uncertain world. The message is for all parents, while the younger ones explore life as it unfolds for them. May we have the courage and determination to embrace life as it moves to a different sunrise.
vashimas@gmail.com
