Here was a recent survey of women who quit their jobs post-pregnancy and became homemakers later on, never returning to their jobs, including those who rejoined and quit for reasons relating to childcare. It was disappointing to know that most of them were high-achievers and toppers in their universities and workplaces. What exactly made them do that? What runs in those brilliant minds? Is this not a kind of gender-related brain drain? In a way I could relate to it, easily.
An Indian woman is always raised with a lot of values inculcated in her, with strong roots and love for her family. She is brought up with the belief that one day she should bear the responsibility of running a household all by herself. What is not taught is how to let go of her dreams and unlearn all that she has passionately learnt till then and to sacrifice her ambitions for the sake of the family that she is going to be a part of.
In contrast, Indian men are brought up to be totally career-oriented and carefree, and the only thing expected of them is to earn more and buy property to keep his family well. What is unsaid is that he is driven to move forward while she is expected to take a break or add more responsibilities post-marriage.
When the social norms widened and paved the way for women to climb the ladder, girls started climbing higher up, often more swiftly than boys. Girls also mostly do better than the boys at both school and college level. It is time parents stopped worrying when their daughters pursue higher degrees. It is not always about getting a suitable match; there is much more to a woman’s life than that. You cannot let the bird fly and at the same time set a limit in the sky. Be proud of your daughters with awards, without worry or fear.
Working women including those staying alone in Indian metropolitan cities for job opportunities and those commuting from their home, face the pressure of marriage from their parents. They also face the risks associated with long working hours and abuse at the workplace and during travel. All these take a toll on the female physiology. Every incident that gets reported in the media sends shock waves. In reality, there are actually thousands of such unreported incidents. These are not reported for fear of being defamed and denial of freedom to go to work.
We have female astronauts but we don’t have a woman who can walk on Indian roads with 100% confidence that her country will protect her. The sad reality is that she has to watch herself always, risk her safety to go forward in life. Our government and the judiciary should be strong enough to ensure female safety. But it is a long way to go…
Most women battle all the odds, and when it is time to step up, comes the issue of marriage, which in Indian terms means a shift of her entire world to suit her groom. Even when the couple decide to live alone post-marriage, there are certain norms or customs that she is expected to follow then on. Changes are common for both men and women post-marriage but there are additional responsibilities which pile up on the women. Sometimes there is a burden and pressure from certain families that exceeds her capacity of tolerance and which unfortunately most men fail to realise. Either her upbringing or societal pressures makes her not to voice out her views.
In married life in India invariably women are expected to cook and take care of the household. I always wanted to ask: dear broadminded men, you question every political move in the world, but have you ever turned around in your home and decided to bring in the law of equality? Why don’t you be different from your peers? During your school days, college years and at office, you have grown interacting and competing with your female classmates and colleagues as equals, but where does this feeling of dominance or nonchalance to household work creep in, post-marriage? Who makes you the boss? When you demand and marry a girl of equal calibre, be prepared to share her responsibilities, equally.
Then comes the big turning point in every woman’s life — childbirth. Every mother’s professional life goes for a toss, either due to personal choice or due to preference for others at the workplace. Now she has to choose between child-rearing and career growth. This is when most sensitive women choose their hearts over their brains. I wholeheartedly agree that motherhood is the happiest time in her whole life, rather a special privilege, honour or boon. But it is undeniable that there is a huge loss of brilliant brains in the process, when the women do not go back to work after a break.
Maternal responsibility and guilt are linked to each other. Sometimes I feel it is unfair that men do not really have any such physical strain or stress related to parenting. They truly enjoy the gift – the child. Of course, new-age parenting is changing. There is a lot of welcome involvement from the paternal side. Whatever said, when it comes to being the responsible parent, the buck always stops with the mother. Be it the child’s behaviour or academic ability or the time spent with the child, it is invariably the mother who is expected to do it. Husbands need to realise that it is not a favour you do to your wife when you baby-sit; it is a part of your job as a father.
As the previous generations did, she is expected to toil while she looks after everything. With her wisdom and potential she tries to do everything perfectly. Every woman is a superwoman, indeed. Next time, inspire your kids with bed-time stories about their mothers instead of making fun of them.
A time comes when she sorts out things and bounces back to work. She struggles hard to patch the gap in her professional career. But every day when she returns home from work, she feels a guilt that she didn’t spend enough time with her child. Sometimes this maternal guilt overwhelms her desire to go to work. Some women try and compensate for that with quality time with their kids while others succumb to it. The worst part is that all the while she is also tied down with household chores day in and day out. With the changing times, it is fair enough to divide work inside the home territory as well. If the guilt stems inside the working mom, let it be equally shared by the working dad too.
Take turns being with your kid when your working hours are longer. Spend quality time together on holidays and in the evenings. The way every man respects and treats his wife by sharing her work at home serves as a huge inspiration for the children. Let us teach our sons to cook, take care of home needs and so on. More than any fortune that you are going to pass on to your kids, the values and habits matter more. Now, after becoming such a man, talk about feminism. I am sure your words will be filled with respect and empathy for women.
Society should realise that when a child is naughty, not well- behaved or isn’t dressed well or wears soiled clothes, it has nothing to do with the mother being a working mom; it is just a part of childhood fun. The corporates and new-age entrepreneurs can come up with a comfortable working atmosphere for mothers until their kids cross primary school to mutually benefit by unearthing their potential, bearing in mind their family commitments and by giving them certain privileges. A few things that we as a society can do follow:
Do not stare at or stalk a woman. Movies shouldn’t glorify such actions. Just let her be; don’t make her fear the road;
When someone molests a woman, join hands in support of her;
When you see a tired woman in the bus or train, get up and let her be seated. Respect her physiology;
If a woman asks for help at the workplace, try and help her;
Start helping your mother or wife in household work;
Take care of your kid as if that is your job;
Stop cracking jokes at woman, especially in front of your kids;
The older generation that has learnt to use new technologies can learn to change their old ideologies and respect the thoughts and actions of their daughters-in-law.
Changes are happening and I wish it happens in every household and workplace. I always tell my husband this: a woman fights a thousand battles with unknown enemies in the same place, where a man fights but one.
