A few days ago I came across a news story that narrated the ordeal of a civil service aspirant who had fallen down a bottomless pit of depression, because he was unable to crack the examination even after multiple attempts. A few more cases of aspirants taking drastic measures such as ending their lives have also come to light. The situation is intensely painful, not only because of the tragic element involved but also because a couple of years ago I had walked in the same shoes and had bled from the same cuts.
Gaining entry into the administrative wing of the government is an ideal that many students strive to achieve. Most begin their preparation during their graduation years though there are a select few who start the pursuit even before they acquire the minimum eligibility. I was one of the former. I don’t exactly recall whether sitting for this examination was my dream or my parents’, but somehow I was there — wanting what everyone else told me was a good thing to want.
Usually, all the aspirants follow a basic drill: they rent a room around a major coaching hub, enroll in a distinguished institute and embark on a journey whose end is as unpredictable as its beginning. I did just the same. I sought help from those who were supposed to know better. I regularly searched the internet for anything relevant. I voraciously read through noteworthy newspapers (primarily The Hindu ). I grabbed every book I could possibly lay my hands on. Ultimately, I ended up with a pile of recklessly collected material that weighed as heavily on my shoulders as it did on my mind.
Despite my impulsive and disorganised efforts, luckily I found success on my second attempt.
I use the word ‘lucky’ because that is what I truly believe I was. At that point, the level of my knowledge and the extent of my understanding were severely limited. Many others had prepared a great deal better than I had. They’d put in efforts that I couldn’t have possibly matched, and had spent numerous hours burning the midnight oil. And yet here I was, basking in the glory of having obtained a rank in the coveted final list, happy to have crossed the line beyond which there was supposed to be joy and fulfillment.
In the initial days, life did change. Suddenly, everyone was a relative, near or afar. Every institute I’d ever set foot in, claimed that I’d been their student. Every person I’d ever met professed that I’d sought tips from them. My success, in whatever way it’d come, had many fathers – each one trying to take as much credit for it as he or she could. I was invited to speak at various forums, and everyone who came my way seemed to sing eulogies to my intelligence and merit. I wouldn’t say I wasn’t gratified. I was. Anything that pleases your ego pushes you to the top of the cliff. And that is exactly what happened with me.
However, once the 15 minutes of fame were over, real life began. I can sound utopian and narrate a ‘happily ever after’ story, but frankly, it wasn’t one. The challenges, insurmountable at times, continued to extract a heavy toll. Being in the civil service was not an easy job. It still isn’t. It was only then that I realised that true joy arose from the inside. It wasn’t dependent on what you had achieved outside.
Some tips
Having learnt my lessons from the civil service examination and its aftermath, I find myself in a place where I can give some advice to those who are currently undertaking this arduous journey. This examination is not about passing or failing; it never has been. These are the words we conveniently use to quantify our endeavors. Like black and white. But these aren’t the only colours, are they? Nobody passes or fails in this examination. Your performance is relative, not absolute.
I understand the disappointment that comes after defeat, especially when you have to face the people who’d placed their trust, their expectations and at times even their resources on you. I also know the suffering one experiences when efforts go unrewarded and labour goes unrecognised.
Nonetheless, harsh as it may sound, here is a simple fact: this examination does not guarantee success. All it does guarantee is hope. Even if you haven’t succeeded as yet, aren’t you today a stronger person than you were a few years ago? Aren’t you better able to deal with difficult situations than you previously thought you could? Haven’t you learnt to slog on despite the many obstacles that come your way? Haven’t you gained in life what you have possibly missed out in the examination?
Treat this phase like a battle, not a war. Fight as hard as you can. If you win, help others who are still caught in the trials. If you don’t, let go without regret. This isn’t the end and it never will be. Let nothing destroy your mental peace or your life. It’s not worth it. Strive for happiness, not success. If you learn to seek the former, the latter will automatically come swinging by.
The civil service examination is like a metaphorical door. Don’t stake your life at its hinges. Open it and enter. If not, close it and move on.
The choice is really simple.
akilbakhshi@yahoo.co.in
