When Kerala discusses the issue of dowry and related deaths of hapless girls once again, one is forced to wonder if the pernicious practice has really been prohibited by law. The reality is that its name has been changed to “gift”. After all, it was an obscure Tom Riddle who went on to become the powerful Lord Voldemort. Nobody pronounces his name, he is the “you-know-who”!
The most dangerous thing about dowry is that the practice is still prevalent even after being prohibited by law. Now, nobody demands dowry, but will innocently ask, “What will be given to her?” Or the groom’s family will speak of other recent marriages, perhaps in an uninterested manner with a frown on their faces: “Oh!! They were not interested in money, but were surprised on seeing her bedecked with so much gold… and did you know, she was given an expensive car… the parents apparently love their daughter so much”! Dowry has become the “you-know-what”.
So, you take their benevolence for granted, as they have only narrated the story of somebody getting something somewhere. You go ahead with the extravagant wedding plans and the bride bids goodbye to her parents and finds herself a boarding in another place. Then comes the conditions for her stay: a list of dos and don’ts unfurl out of thin air. The first lesson is on the “duty” of an ideal wife. As she belongs to the person who married her, so do all her belongings. You must respect his likes and dislikes, make him food, do the chores, look after his family, work day and night for his happiness. The most important thing is not to complain, for you have a husband who looks after you.
She is bound to face direct or indirect accusations if her husband’s family feels that they have not got their fair share of entitlements. There begins the torture. No, it is not physical abuse always. New and bright ideas of mental torture are being researched and experimented every day — it can be a passing reference and some comparisons (of that girl getting this much). This is the moment when all the advisers enter. Sympathy and insinuations pour in.
The terms of the agreement are clear. In exchange of her wealth and services, she is going to be given food and accommodation “free”. Who is going to shower so much benevolence on a person with no income of her own? Even if you have a steady source of income in the form of a job, it is they who permit you to go to work. You want to study? “Family first”. Reading? “No. Perhaps, after the chores.”
When the girl decides that she has had enough, she goes back to her parents. But alas, “what will people say”? In most cases, while the girl takes a decision to end it all for good, she will have children to care for. The law provides for maintenance, but what about the tediously long process of getting a divorce? The fear that she will be a burden on her parents will force her to take the bitter pill. It is her responsibility to reach a settlement. She should, nevertheless, learn to “adjust”. The fetters get stronger with time. Either suffer or succumb, no other options!
On the other hand, the guy has won a lottery. Money, gold, property, vehicle, and a girl to look after him! Society will never judge him. He can sit back and relax and can assault his wife when frustrated. Who cares? His mind has been conditioned to think of dowry as a birthright, something to pine for and fight for.
There are families where women are not weighed against their wealth. But, for those who are not ashamed of begging for someone else’s hard-earned money, the “you-know-what” will drain them of love and happiness. The lives of some poor souls will be pledged.
In southern Kerala, the “custom” of parents gifting a car to their daughter has evolved recently. It is now unabashedly claimed by some husbands and in-laws as their right. Now, it is your turn to innovate. It may become a custom some day!
