Oprah Winfrey, the American talk show host, once said, “Everybody that I had on the show, at the end of the show, would whisper something to me like ‘Was that okay? Was that okay?’” And that “everybody”, she went on to say, included the likes of former U.S. Presidents Barack Obama, and George Bush. What Oprah’s guests on the show were seeking is what is known as “external validation”.
The first thing a child looks for is validation or recognition from the parents on accomplishing something. But as one grows up, while the need or the urge for external validation continues, it is not necessarily the only kind of encouragement one strives for. Of course, there are many of us who feel terribly deflated if we don’t get the kind of appreciation or validation that we expect from others. While it is true that most of us would want some kind of external validation (with no criticism would be even better!) to pep us up, it is important not to have ourselves enslaved by this. It is said, even with some causticity, that “when you depend on other people to build you up, you are also giving them the power to break you down…”
One has often seen the unfazed manner in which quite a few achievers take praise and recognition that come their way. There is a quiet acceptance of the recognition which one gets without ever being “swept off the feet”.
The American rapper Lecrae says, “If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.”
If one considers external validation as purely incidental and instead trains one’s mind for self-validation, then that wil be a huge “weapon” in one’s armoury. Self-validation does not mean being disrespectful to someone’s suggestion, but acting on one’s conviction. According to Karen Hall, an accomplished educational consultant, “Self-validation is the ability to recognise and acknowledge your own internal experience. It is not about agreeing with someone or accepting their thoughts as your own.” How often have some of us tried to do something just because we feel that this is what so and so would have wanted us to do and not because it is what we wanted to do!
Extreme swings
Seldom has the need for validation, on the one hand, or the “gutted” feeling of hopelessness, on the other, been experienced as much as in today’s times of social media. If one doesn’t “like” a comment or post, then that person gets mentally ticked in one’s mind as an “unreliable friend” or as something even worse! Very often, there are attritional “battles” fought out on social media. “You didn’t “like” my comment, I will do likewise when you post your comment.” It is not entirely unusual to have people go into depression, and become overly anxious when they don’t get the kind of response they are seeking on social media.
While such attitudes may be downright childish, they are worrying and reflective also of the times that we live in!
I don’t quite know whether this article will be “liked” or not. But I would like to believe that I have a reservoir of self-validation stored in me to tide over the “dislikes” I get.
ashokwarrier27@gmail.com
