When can one afford to lose one’s parent? A weird question? Two recent events, the demise of two dear souls, force me to think more about not only death but also when and how we die.
My father passed away in January this year. A very active, alert person, positive till the end, he was in hospital for a week. He had a fall from which he recovered and was on the road to recovery when, within a span of 24 hours, there was a sudden reversal and that was it. Tried as we could, we could not avoid putting him on life support or get him home to be surrounded by his family when he breathed his last.
The second person, Mani mama , a long-time family friend, was more fortunate. They allowed him to be taken away from the hospital and his must have been a peaceful departure, amid chanting, and kith and kin.
The question posed at the beginning assumes relevance here. One was the general reaction: ‘How old was he? 93? Oh!’ The tone of that ‘Oh’ spoke volumes. Translated, it meant: ‘That’s all right. He was old enough.’ In the second case, he was ailing for long; it was good they decided not to ventilate him; why prolong..?
There are two truths we must accept – that we start aging the moment we are born, and that when one lives longer, what one gets is more and more of old age. How to face this phase is the million-dollar question.
When we live on extended time, there is no stipulated condition that we should be active. Activities are normally categorised as activities of daily living and independent activities of daily living. The first category refers to the ability to do the essential activities without assistance – such as using the toilet, eating, dressing, bathing and walking. The second includes shopping, driving a vehicle, doing one’s laundry, travelling, handling finances and managing medication.
Old people also want their independence but are deemed unfit to live safely on their own, if they fail even in one of these. The plight of the elderly in the West is pathetic. Most of them are in empty nests; there is no in-built support system, and naturally they have to be in ‘homes’.
No more cocoons
Thankfully, it’s not such a crisis or emergency in our country yet. Nuclear families have of course destroyed the cocoons for the old. Still, in many a household, how the old want to live is their choice and the family’s role is to make it possible. Love can also prove to be a burden sometimes, with the terminally ill. They may want to go but the near and the dear ones won’t let them.
Indian law doesn’t permit euthanasia; but now the patient can leave clear instructions as to what is to be done in such situations. A Living Will can be executed in advance. They can emphatically state that it is ‘no resuscitation, no ventilator’ for them. They have lived with dignity; the end should be dignified, fully conscious if possible, bidding goodbye to the dear ones. Human rights may oppose this also, but in all fairness it’s also a human right to die the way you want to, not connected to all those tubes and wires, seeing nothing, saying nothing and feeling nothing. We owe this to ourselves at least.
My grandmother’s wish was anayasena maranam/ vinadainena jeevanam (dying with ease and living without depending on others). This makes me wonder: what is dignity in death? Should the aged be kept only at their homes and be allowed to fade away, just like that? As their children, is it our responsibility not to subject them to physical torture and alienation in the end?
We experienced it and it was a tough call to take. In fact, when my father was put on a ventilator, we tried our level best to take him home but the hospital refused. According to them, there was still hope. He might be 93 and old enough to die; but we couldn’t bring ourselves to make him die just like that. Did we do it right? The question haunts me even now.
There’s this Snoopy cartoon that comes to mind. When told, ‘Someday, we will all die, Snoopy’, the reply is: ‘True, but on all other days, we will not.’
He had said it.
maashu1@gmail.com
