Less self-focussed, more caring

Are we teaching our kids to differentiate between their wants and needs?

February 11, 2018 12:02 am | Updated May 26, 2021 03:14 pm IST

We were at my daughter’s friend’s birthday party. It was a ‘frozen’-theme party. The parents had done everything to give their daughter a birthday of her dreams.

The spacious banquet hall of a four-star hotel had been booked. They adorned it with shiny silver and aqua curtains, crystal chandeliers, a huge blue Elsa doll birthday cake and a sea of everything else imaginable in shiny blue and silver. The centre of attraction was the birthday girl herself, dressed as Elsa. It all created an ethereal feel for the guests. But later I got to hear from the girl's mom how they had a post-party let-down. While they had given costly frozen-themed return gifts to all the kids who attended the party, most of the gifts the girl received were off-the-shelf chocolate bars. They expected better! The party was a hit but the child and her parents were disappointed!

After attending a couple of such theme parties, my little girl is raring for a grand one this year. I’ve never thrown a grand party for my daughter because modesty (call it laziness) is more up my alley. Besides, I want to cut back on extra expenditure now that our baby No.2 has arrived. So I tell my little girl that instead of wasting too much money, energy and time on a one-evening pomp and show, we can have a little party at home. My daughter is aghast. She thinks I’m the worst mother!

This got me thinking. Am I raising a self-focussed child, oblivious to other people’s needs and difficulties? Aren’t our kids growing up with a narcissistic sense of entitlement, assuming that they are special and that they will get what they demand from their parents? We live in a world of selfies, self-absorption and exhibitionism where ‘self’ is celebrated above everything else.

Are we teaching our kids enough to differentiate between their wants and needs? We over-indulge them even when we don’t come from affluent backgrounds.

I remember an aunty from our neighbourhood. An astute mother, she had devised an ingenious method of making her kids more responsible. She would assign a certain sum of money for each household chore, such as washing utensils, sweeping the floor, washing clothes, helping in cooking and so on. The child who did a certain chore would get that fixed sum as pocket money. She would praise the child who has been the most diligent in doing the job.

Each of her children had their own personal piggy-bank. By making them willingly take up household duties, she taught them the value of earning by doing, the importance of saving.

Recently I deliberately involved my daughter in giving away her old toys and stuffed animals to a charity-run creche. My five-year-old has problems sharing her stuff with other kids because she has been a single child for the most part of her life. Initially she was very reluctant. But she changed her mind as soon as she saw little faces beaming in delight upon seeing her toys. I appreciated her for that small act of sharing. And guess what! That simple initiative from my part produced a positive outcome the very next day. Coming from school, my little girl told me how she had shared her favourite snack with the kids in her class instead of eating it all by herself. I have realised that teaching children kindness is, after all, not very difficult. Even a simple act such as giving a day off to your domestic help and involving your children in cooking for the family can be a worthy lesson in kindness.

I have this ‘foot in the mouth’ condition. Very often I find my little girl using the same bad words I use in my adult conversations, in the same tone of voice. I find myself spending a lot of time with eyes glued to my phone? Sometimes it gets me thinking. What message am I giving my child?

Being a parent is difficult. I know I will be judged by my kids, whether I lead them this way or that. Nevertheless, I want to raise them a little less self-focussed, so they may not remain cocooned in their self-absorbed little corners, unable to handle life’s challenges.

subha.sunny@gmail.com

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