It’s common to see videos on social media showing a man or his wife thrashing his aged parent. The elderly are too feeble and ill-matched to resist the battering of the young. Sometimes these incidents take place in view of the neighbours. Often these are daily episodes which continue until reported by a neighbour or passer-by.
Violence against parents is perpetrated by both sons and daughters and across classes. Some do it for property, others because they can’t take care of ailing and bed-ridden parents. The real reason for violence against the elderly is their physical inability to fight back. Domestic violence happens behind closed doors among the well-to-do.
Ashamed of what is happening to them, of what people will say, parents do not reveal the torture they are undergoing. Often, they fear reprisal and do not report the matter to the police. In situations where they have picked up the courage to go to the police or seek help from the court, the law is expected to support them.
Domestic violence is an offence against parents, spouses, women and children. Often the victims and spectators are not aware of the law and do not report the crime to police. It is important that people know their rights.
Violence is the extreme end of ill-treatment which can happen in many forms. Verbal and physical abuse, harassment, torture, deprivation are its manifestations. Violence against single, aged mothers is more common than against fathers, though one can’t generalise. Frail, weak fathers may also not be spared. It is ultimately a question of the values ingrained in the children.
The respect I saw my parents give their ageing parents was exemplary. My parents’ principle was, “Never argue with aged parents. They are not wrong just as you are not wrong.” A very different philosophy from the one prevailing. As children, we imbibed early in the years that the elderly must be loved and looked after.
Whenever grandfather or grandmother came to stay with us, we were respectful. Grandfather would sleep off at 8 p.m. sharp. After that, every member in the family tip-toed around the house and spoke in whispers.
When our parents aged, it was natural that each one of us tried to keep them happy and healthy, fulfilling every wish, and whim of theirs. Values pass from parents to their children in words and deeds. The home is their founding school. The sensitivity bred in the young over the years shows when their parents grow infirm and dependent.
Why are parents going to old-age homes? Why are they not at home? If there is room for children, why is there none for parents? Parents are unhappy in old-age homes as they long to be among family. Understanding, tolerance, generosity towards the old, shunning arguments with them, replacing anger/frustration with love and understanding are the only way to create better intergenerational relationships.
Parents are an asset, not a baggage to be thrown away. Parents are invaluable; there is much to learn from them. The current trend of regarding them as a ‘burden’, or ‘cost’ is immoral, petty-minded and inhuman.
Parents should prepare their children early in childhood that there will be a payback time for which they should be ready. Parents must lead by respecting their own parents, and training themselves to give space to their grown up children.
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