I was wondering the other day what is that one thing that human souls really crave for. After a little bit of soul-searching, and I get closer to answering this question. We all desire acceptance, whether we admit it or not. A little child looks at his or her parent’s face for approval, when she or he does something right or wrong. I have experienced this with my five-year-old daughter.
It is true, as children we're able to accept ourselves only to the extent we feel accepted by our caregivers. Research has validated that before the age of eight, children don’t have a separate sense of ‘self’. It is limited to what has been transmitted to them by their caretakers. ‘Acceptance’ is also critical in building our children’s self-esteem and confidence. In Buddhism, ‘acceptance’ is recognised as one of the fundamental tenets. But how can we whole-heartedly enable this process? Here are some tips:
Work on self-acceptance: If we accept ourselves, it is easy to accept others. When I am happy and content myself, then I am able to accept my daughter more whole-heartedly. I am less critical of her actions and ‘inadequacies’. It ultimately has a ripple effect on all my relationships.
Unconditional love: The next important aspect is providing unconditional love.
“A child cannot survive without the care of others; love is its most important nourishment. The allaying of the child’s many fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence depend directly upon love,” the Dalai Lama said. Which means embracing our children, recognising their strengths and limitations, loving them for ‘who they are’ rather than what we expect them to be.
Let go of the notion of a perfect child: It is easy to fall into the trap of expecting our children to be high-achievers or ‘ideal’. But that’s not all! We are all unique individuals, uniqueness makes the world beautiful. We need to see that ‘special’ in our child. My daughter mostly colours outside the lines. But her colour strokes are beautiful. More so, her love for colouring amuses me.
Find time to understand our children: I was talking to a friend one day and she asked me something that struck me: “If we don’t understand our children, then who will?” Take out time to discover your child’s personality and find out more about that type. Once we understand our child’s basic nature, we can alter our style to meet their requirements. By observing my daughter, I understood that she loves free-expression in her colouring, and she doesn’t like being guided by boundaries. The more we understand them, the more accepting we become. We don’t burden the children with our expectations.
Connect with our children: We need to connect with our children in order to fully embrace them — listen to them, engage with them. When we connect with our children, we become more aware of who our children are. We become more attuned to their interests, learning style and personalities. Go ahead, bond with them, share your experiences with them, read books with them, share your childhood stories, take long walks with them, tell them silly jokes, and sing funny songs with them.
We have all heard these things before, haven’t we? It is important to revisit these aspects in order to truly appreciate our children and realign our parenting goals in this competition-driven environment.
dminakshi2000@yahoo.co.in
