Have you noticed how a good many Indians walk? With a perpetual vertical jerk. But this unusual gait is not seen in the rural folk so much, at least not among the poor in the villages who do not take vehicles regularly.
Then it hit me. The vertical jerk is due to speed humps at frequent but irregular intervals on urban and rural roads and even national highways. It just takes a little time for a new road to get multiple humps.
In India, anybody can create a hump at will, as all it needs is just a little mud, stones and tar.
The ferocity and frequency of the vertical jerks during walking is directly proportional to the frequency, height and inclination of the humps, apart from the composition and condition of roads, even the number of potholes.
Many times we encounter multiple jerks of varying intensity over multiple or multi-layered humps. One set of people who are delighted with this are the healers: orthopaedic surgeons, faith and atheist healers and physiotherapists.
I will not be surprised if India has the highest number of backache sufferers and consequently healers, whether certified or quacks. Quacks are particularly preferred because of our penchant for desi and home cures.
Name of the gameAs we attribute a cuisine, habit, language, slang or diction to a specific region or city, like dosa to Tamil Nadu, a particular type of jerky walk can be attributed to a region — for instance, the Kolkata or Kanpur walk. If the jerk frequency is low, the person may be living near a national highway.
Experts may even venture to guess the state of roads by the way a person walks. Have roads in Ferozepur or Thanjavur improved or has the number of humps increased? To find the answer, just look at the way people from these regions walk.
It will not surprise me to hear the police boasting about the number of humps in their jurisdiction. They may put up signposts such as “Maximum Speed Hump Street”, just as San Francisco proudly proclaims ownership of the “world’s crookedest street” with the most hairpin bends. Soon our cities, towns and villagers will try to outdo each other in setting up more and more humps.
Humps have no consistency, and having gone over countless numbers of them, one feels that the more brutal they are the more accidents they cause.
Matter of principleThe fact is that these structures have actually caused more accidents and deaths and damage to vehicles. It is a matter of principle that they will never be marked and lit up.
Neither are there any warning boards to caution drivers.
As more drivers are caught unawares more accidents occur and more people are killed. The vicious cycle thus continues.
Another interesting trait observed is that those who most vociferously protest against humps are the first to demand one outside their home or office. The demand for humps is a national Indian trait.
The person who fears innovation, ingenuity, excellence and meritocracy, consequently adores mediocrity, hates speed, progress and development. Humps are thus a natural ally for such characters. “Sharmaji is doing much better than me and contributing in all spheres. Let us throw a hump at him,” is the attitude.
So fellow citizens, arise and remove the humps on your roads and minds and see India zooming ahead.
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