“I’m sure you’re not working for money. Why do you want a raise?” said my Chief Executive Officer. For a moment I looked for shrewdness behind those words, but found none. “But sir, I have so many commitments,” I tried to explain.
The kind man looked puzzled and asked what on earth those could be. Patiently I laid down my monthly expenses and told him about the EMIs, the rent, the child’s expenses, and so on. The next question was, if that is so, then what does your husband do with his money? I said, of course he meets his own expenses: pays the bills, EMIs, supports parents, and so on.
He just shook his head and said he never ever let his working wife use her pay, and she is the one who still uses his credit card. “What’s wrong with your generation?” he sighed.
I am in my 40s and at a stage in societal evolution where stories of woman’s empowerment are commonplace. Be it in sports, business, labour, academia, industry — they shine. Those who are not shining, thanks to the government’s focus on them, it is assumed or hoped that no girl will be left behind.
Unequal measure
And those remaining, who don’t fall into any category — neither shining nor beneficiaries — like me, are getting their equal share but in an unequal measure.
How does this equality work? For the ‘she’ gender, there are changes in society — parents are supportive, she gets a good education, and employment opportunities are available for all skill sets and ambitions. Fathers dote on their daughters and indulge in her life with gusto. And she thrives. She blooms into a young woman with both style and substance. With some ups and downs she sails through this phase, and with each passing day grows stronger and more stable.
Soon comes the next phase; it comes either by the laws of attraction or the norms of society, or simply due to the fear of the ticking biological clock. A double income is mostly welcome in conservative households too, and for some time after the marriage the glory of a working woman’s life continues. Dowry or gifts are often supplemented by her own income or in some cases both partners shoulder the alliance equally and enter the partnership. (I will not use the clichéd term ‘life partners’ here, and social trends point to an alarming trend of separations and single families.)
Partnership marriages allows an equal stake and some are able to save themselves from the expected subservience of the woman in this relationship; many try to strike a balance.
The turning point
Her turning point comes with motherhood. Perhaps this is the first time her womanhood solely stands out. Her partner, her family, all get involved but the onus from that moment on is on her — to continue working or not, to lose control over her finances or not, to be able to utilise her skills or not, these are all her own questions. Based on her situation, she decides on one course of action and finds ways to manage it, in both cases (working or quitting) her dependence on others grows, and with the challenges of motherhood thrown in, a completely new woman emerges.
She by now had a way of life but with a child in her lap, she is getting defined altogether differently. The partnership deal demands that she take care of herself.
Truth of life
The fledgling baby is growing and each day she realises that the child needs her more than ever! As has often been heard, the guilt never leaves a mother – this becomes the truth of her life.
As the wheel of time keeps rolling, her physical health faces slow and steady deterioration. Elders get older, requiring more attention; children grow with their demands on funds and time; and her own lifestyle and liabilities mount. If working, she reaches a level which demands her time and availability both to match with others at the workplace.
At a personal level, in an equal world there is hardly any place left for the softness of the ‘she’ gender; her professional, personal and emotional needs are all lost in the unequal music.
vashimas@gmail.com
