spit take Opinion

Open letter to Rihanna

Dear Barbadian Behen,

Following your thoughtless and most unnecessary tweet, as a proud Indian, I have no choice but to write this letter to put things in perspective for you.

Your position

As you well know, there are two types of West Indians. The first kind is a superior race of noble, fair, courageous folk who are never wrong. They eat khakhra, thepla, dhokla and fafda, and do the garba with devotional majama during Navratri. Examples of this upstanding race are Nirav Modi, Amisha Patel, the Gir Lion and Amitabh Bachchan (yes). They are so admirable that our entire ancient nation is currently in the process of following what has come to be known as the West Indian Model

Then there is Type Two. The set you unfortunately belong to. Let’s just say this group possesses none of the qualities associated the world over with Type One. Your sort is known to spend time lazing about at picturesque beaches in minimal gear, sporting dreadlocks, drinking rum, smoking hallucinogenic herbs, eating highly unsanskari things like barbecued pig tails, and twerking.

Our rights

Please note, in Chapter 6, Subsection (iii) of our ancient text, Sri Mahad Jhajjanaka Charita (revised edition, 2014), these four points are made with extreme clarity.

A. As per the incontestable celestial rights bestowed on us, all pardesis may — and should — praise us freely and fearlessly, and embrace us in a sanskari fashion when we go to meet them for important multibillion dollar deals.

B. Pardesis are encouraged to sell us cool watches and suits, serve as background dancers for our patriotic heroes in song sequences, practise yoga, and give us jobs as CEOs.

C. However, all pardesis must completely refrain from criticising us in any manner. Unless, of course, it is to do with urban naxals, librus, tukde-tukdes or Nehru, in which case we will laugh uproariously, lol!

D. Finally, we, the special blessed few, can — and will — tell white, black and other multi-hued pardesis, how to lead their lives, who to vote for and how not to wear revealing clothes as and when we feel like it.

The consequence

The most upsetting thing about your unwarranted tweet, dear Barbadian behen, is the deleterious effect it has had on our tireless crusader, our modern day Mahatmi, Kangana Ranaut. You diverted her from her righteous path by highlighting this minor issue regarding a few farmers.

This inadvertently made her lose track of the real problems this country is facing.

I speak of Malaika Arora and her dog Casper, of course. And the dishonour they are bringing our great nation. Deflected by your tweet, Kangana hasn’t noticed that every single time Malaika — sporting yet another gym look — takes Casper out for a walk, the nepotistic canine urinates with impunity on the nearest parked car.

Or, for that matter, that Alia Bhatt is in the Maldives wearing a bikini and dancing to a Hrithik Roshan song. Or that the nepotistic kids party that KJo threw for Yash and Roohi had Taimur in attendance. Or that Hrithik Roshan (him again) and Susanne Roshan both attended Rakesh Roshan’s party. Or how Taapsee Pannu and Swara Bhasker are posing in bargain basement rip-offs of Kangana’s carefully-curated designer looks.

What will happen to our nation, our culture, if Kangana doesn’t remedy these injustices?

Whatever you do, Barbadian behen, in the interest of global peace, stay out of Kangana’s way. Please let her work, work, work, work. And if you must sing, why can’t you emulate Falguni Pathak?

Yours sanskarily,

A concerned Indian

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.

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Printable version | Apr 14, 2021 4:17:47 AM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/open-letter-to-rihanna/article33822819.ece

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