My last column was about how – finally – the OTTs were going to be regulated. I have more good news, friends and patriots. Our days of binge-watching Netflix and Amazon, even as we pray for more wholesome content, are nearing their end. As we speak, India's biggest, purest film city is being set up at the speed of the Pashupatastra leaving Arjuna’s Gandiva . And it could be up and running like a deer in Sage Vasishta’s ashram as early as 2021. If the ghost of Nehru or the Mughals (or both working as a tag team) don’t put a diabolical, dynastic spanner in the works, that is.
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As per official reports, about 1,000 acres of sacred land have been allocated to build this Swachh Bharat Sapna Factory.
Photographs of India’s biggest, brightest – and gummiest – star, Akshay Kumar taking the lead have social media in a tizzy. Take that, Trudeau. Our boy is no turncoat.
It looks like the monopoly of the god-knows-what-snorting Nepo Gang is finally coming to an end. It is soon going to be the days of good, clean, enlightening, uplifting cinema — the kind Chandragupta Maurya and Manoj Kumar would have co-directed had they had the opportunity.
I have a few ideas that I would like to share. On how this new era could be ushered in.
As is our ancient custom, let’s begin with names. Bollywood, a name that has been in currency for too long, is just a toxic derivative of the deeply corrupting western capital of cinema. And it should be erased with immediate effect. Our new film city should be called Culturewood, or better still, Sanskari Lakdi . That it brings to mind the corrective implement used by our young patriots on anyone eating the wrong fare, cracking the wrong joke, or marrying the wrong kind is no coincidence. The names of Kollywood, Tollywood and Mollywood will be changed, too, in due course. Together, they will be called Madrasi Lakdi . When they learn Hindi, we could do a rethink.
As for real estate allocation, why not split the property right down the middle? One half for Kangana Ranaut, the other for Akshay bhai Bhatia, separated by an electrified fence so that Kangana’s wooden horse doesn’t stray.
Kangana’s section will make films on all that is wrong with our ancient land today. She will write, produce, direct, and star in all the vehicles herself. Some of her titles: Tapsee Ki Sasti Kahani , Trudeau Ek Dodo , Anurag Ek Dishrag and K Jo, Please Go Go . These movies will be released on Twitter. And anyone criticising the movies will be made the subject of the next movie.
Akshay Kumar, meanwhile, will make movies that are totally positive. His subjects will deal with all that is good and great in our ancient land. Deshbhakt Khiladi 1, 2 and 3, Central Vista: Ek Prem Katha , I Love My Statues , Garam MasalaPart 2 : The MDH Story ...
One of the main resources for any big industrial complex is water. Sunny Paaji will make sure there is plenty of water throughout the year in the film city. He will bore through the soil doing the ‘ Yaara O Yaara ’ step from Jeet and install hand-pumps every 100 metres or so by using the reverse of the Gadar method. Kent RO systems could be procured at a discounted price using his family connections.
Deer and peacock will flit about the campus, pushpaka vimanams will fly overhead showering petals, and Mukesh Khanna, Alok Nath and Barack Obama will be on the advisory board. I’m loving it.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
