life hacks from agony akka Opinion

Inverted bat pose

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi  

Dear Agony Akka,

Every day I am watching videos of people becoming bhindi-size from watermelon-size on YouTube and Instagram. I, on the other hand, have gone from simple pumpkin-size to bumper pumpkin-size in spite of continuously doing difficult exercises like pistol squat, standing headless dumbbell press, both-leg deadlift, as well as arduous yogasanas like licking-cat pose, scratching-dog pose, uprooted tree pose, etc. Since it is a known fact that you are the splitting image of no-make-up-look, no-shapewear-look Kim Kardashian, can you please share your fitness secret with me?

— Seeking that Light Illusive Middle

Dear SLIM,

Join the queue! Everybody in my housing colony is asking the same question! First and foremost vital secret for you to understand is that you should not have any favourite vegetable shape in your mind. This ties the imagination down. From avocado to yam, everything is a shape. Some shapes are also good to eat. Last week, Vatsala from 14B sent me some very tasty, deep-fried yam. And she says one can also make good cutlets with yam for which she is sending me her aunt’s recipe. Of course, yam is high on calories but sometimes calories are good for shifting furniture or talking to men, which uses up a lot of energy. I find I need a lot of energy.

Avocado, on the other hand, is like a polite person at a fashionable party — it has absolutely nothing to say for itself. You try to prod it, maybe with sugar, maybe by mashing it on toast, result is the same bland and tasteless pale green mess. But it is fashionable. So it’s important to use it correctly. Take a photo and post it on Insta with a few lines like ‘Good morning peeps! Say hello to my gorgeous avocado smoothie!’ Then empty it into the kitchen sink. Actually, if you can follow this process with all food items, you will automatically become slender.

But getting back to your vegetable fixation, bhindi is fantastic and one should eat it whether it is offered as the stylish Insta okra or the more cannibalistic ladies’ finger, but I am not sure one should aspire to look like it. Because if you eliminate your feet for that elegant bhindi tail, you will find it hard to walk. Unlike pumpkin shape, where you can be reasonably sure that you can at least roll from Point A to Point B. But if you overdo it, then body will be too big to fit the front door, which is a rather serious mobility issue and might involve cranes and so on at a later point that is too painful to contemplate.

Overall, as you can see, vegetables are not great inspiration, but what I am more worried about are those animal poses you mention. It sounds terribly un-sattvic and a bit inelegant, my dear. I for one would find it very hard to sleep well at night knowing that for 10 minutes each morning I was contorting myself to look like a cat licking itself. One should approach life with the 100% certainty that one was not born a cat for an important reason that the universe is aware of. To defy this logic, and that too early in the morning, is a disturbing idea and you should not indulge in it.

And look at all that violence! Pistol squat! Dead lift! We all have dead lifts in our buildings but that does not mean you can take it out on your body. Try to be more calm. I know the uprooted tree you are referring to because I have also seen Baba Harmdev on TV and naturally if you only focus on breathing in and out it is hard to eat anything and one will automatically become thin and then dead. But there is also a question of aesthetics and I must confess that watching this uprooted and almost entirely denuded tree contorting itself on stage is a deeply unattractive image and one that is very hard to unsee afterwards.

If you truly want the Kim Kardashian look, simply tie two pillows to your hips and slip some sort of sheath over yourself. It’s equal to headless dumbbell press.

— AA

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Printable version | Sep 19, 2021 11:38:01 PM |

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