Life hacks from Agony Akka Opinion

Get jab satisfaction

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi  

Dear Agony Akka,

After my parents got their second vaccination dose, I was very happy, but now I’m very sad thinking, why not me? In their spry morning greeting, I spy a hint of superiority. Yesterday, I dreamt that my dead grandmother was laughing at me from above saying “Even I’m vaccinated, you poor sod, why weren’t you born a few years earlier?” To compensate, I recently went to a nearby parlour and got a COVID-19 virus tattoo (spikes and all) on my left bicep, hoping for the jab to be piercingly symbolic when my turn comes. But now I’ve started binge-eating due to pandemic panic, and my distended tattoo resembles not the virus but the buttocks of a fat politician who has fallen on a thorny bush. I am depressed. How can I alleviate my envy and anxiety?

— Possessed of Keen Envy

Dear POKE,

Patience, dear heart, patience. See, already since you have sent me mail, government has announced vaccines for everybody above 18. Just you have to shell out ₹400 and get the coveted jab at nearest clinic. Of course, vaccine might not be available. Just like oxygen and Ramdevsviral and other pandemic fighting agents are not available. But not to worry. If you wait two-three years, government is saying vaccine will be available even in all the potti kadais because by then population would have halved and there will be plentiful supply for one and all. You can take it at that time. They might even hold another utsav.

But if you are impatient and filled with competition spirit against aged parents, then my dear boy, you must Use Influence and Pull Strings. That is what I did. I am, of course, a bit young for vaccine but I used my Sway in Powerful Places to get an out-of-turn shot. Of course, Visvesvaran from 13B got jealous and he is going about telling everyone that the only string I pulled was the one holding my birth certificate together, but what does he think? We don’t know about the relationship between his moustache and one product that comes in tubes?

Anyway, even if you can manage one ex-Minister or MLA type, it will do. See how nicely 22-year-old former chief minister’s nephew in Maharashtra has already finished getting two doses? If you can’t display that kind of chutzpah, then your full life you will only be getting bad tattoos and nothing else.

But waiting for May 1 is not such a bad idea — I hear that you have a good chance of meeting many young stars like Rayka and Hayma in the queue on that day. One more thing, even if you forget your water-bottle or Aadhaar card, never forget your phone on D-Day. Because after the shot, the most important antidote is to take one selfie immediately. Other people pose with full family, but your parents won’t be there with you, so you can pose next to flowerpot or lamppost. For best results, wear mask and expose bicep. The effect of the vaccine will last longer with selfie than without.

I can see that you are a creative person like me. Once you become less fat, probably your tattoo will look good again. Only one addition I am going to suggest. Why not add one line below the spikes that says ‘Jabless in India’. There is a double advantage in this. Until you get vaccine, it can remain like this. Then, after vaccine, you can change ‘Jabless’ to ‘Jobless’ — minor and easy correction only. This new line promises to be a good signature tune for long time to come.

— AA

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Printable version | Jun 13, 2021 12:09:05 PM |

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