‘Why did I not get unique name like Julius Caesar Mathrubootham?’ asks J. Mathrubootham

November 25, 2017 04:05 pm | Updated 07:03 pm IST

Respected Sir/Madam,

Approximately 8 a.m., Mrs. Mathrubootham came into the bedroom and began shaking me like anything. She said wake up Mr. Mathrubootham, one courier boy has just delivered a letter for Mr. Mathrubootham. I said, oh my god I am fed up of that Mathrubootham.

You are thinking morning itself husband and wife full of Old Monk and mono-act? Mind your language.

Sir/ Madam, perhaps I have told you before. But in the next building, Mugambigai Ultra Amsterdam Lifestyle Flats, there is another man called Mr. J. Mathrubootham. Exact same name. J. Mathrubootham. Like me, he is also retired public sector bank officer with two children and one wife. He is also in my same Seniors Mild Yoga class and sometimes I will meet him when I go to temple, supermarket, Triplicane Humour Club, etcetera, etcetera.

So many similarities. We should be best friends no? Never. Just because name is similar means Amit Shah and Bernard Shaw will become friends?

Bloody fool is unbearable. Whenever we meet, he will try to prove to other people that he is better than me. I will tell Dr. Shankaramenon during yoga class, doctor, electricity bill is too much this month, almost 3,000 rupees. Suddenly this fellow will appear nearby and say, oh you are lucky Mr. Mathrubootham, my electricity bill this month is at least 7,000, but what to do, I cannot stop using three LCD TV and two refrigerators and seven air-conditioners and live simple life like you, simplicity is the best, but what to do.

Just thinking about his face is giving me BP. Two fridge and seven air-conditioner, rascal, whether you are living in flat or government mortuary? But I will just smile and smoothly move like a snake into Bhujangasana.

Other times I will be standing in line at Ganga Sweets and order half kilo ras malai. Suddenly this fellow will come from behind and say: “Oh Mr. Mathrubootham, why so much self-control? Have they increased price? I was going to buy 3 kilos as usual on a weekly basis.”

Sir/ Madam, why is this criminal fellow behaving as if there is some World Cup of Mathrubootham? You live your catering company life with 34 fridges full of ras malai and I will live my life.

But even when he is not nearby, he will irritate me. Every week, we will get at least one or two couriers in his name. And then Mrs. Mathrubootham will make me go and give it to him. Guruvayoorappa, why I did not get unique name like Julius Caesar Mathrubootham or Maulana Abul Kalam Mathrubootham or Yuvan Shankar Mathrubootham.

This morning I said I am fed up of this nonsense. I jumped out of bed and picked up the packet. What are you doing, asked Mrs. Mathrubootham. I am going to run after the courier, Kamalam, I said.

Ha ha ha, nice morning comedy, come for breakfast, she said.

Don’t insult me in my own house, I can run.

Mrs. Mathrubootham just rolled eyes and said, old man, what you will run. Sometimes I think if I suddenly get heart attack or something, what you will do with your slow-motion legs.

I told her why you need fast legs? To take video of your heart attack and share the good news with all my friends on Facebook? Then I laughed like anything and she threw breakfast into kuppaithotti and she also laughed like anything.

But after sometime I thought maybe she is right. Maybe some improvements can be made in my health situation. So I went to nearby gymnasium that is popular with local youths. I went to the counter and said, madam please give details of monthly fees? She rattled off some pincode-type number. Suddenly, one voice came from nearby. Of course it was Mr. Mathrubootham. “Oho sir! You are not already member? I am life member since many years. You must join now itself!”

I jumped out of the gymnasium and ran home like Carl Lewis.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham

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