For long, women were treated like the weaker sex. Then a movement came along. It started small and has grown since. Today, women are being shown inclusivity in many ways — and one such way, although nothing life and death, has been the rather uselessly euphemistic way of remaking old classic movies with female leads. So we’ve had Ocean’s Eight , Ghostbusters and The Hustle , all superhits of their times, now remade with an all-female lead cast. Some worked, others, not so much. People with too much time wondered aloud on public forums whether it was even required to go down this rabbit hole of correcting something that wasn’t exactly wrong?
Now, in a new twist of fixing what ain’t broken, we shall soon be blessed with a female Bond. Sorry, 007. Cover me with egg wash, roll me in flour and feathers, and call me a chicken, but I would like to call this one out. I think we are going too far with this malarkey. While not discounting the talent of the proposed protagonist, I just feel that we don’t need to be gender sensitive in this regard. Sir Ian Flemming wrote James Bond as an English gentleman spy just like Agatha Christie fashioned Hercule Poirot as a French dandy. Why feel the need to revisit them? Why not, instead, apply your creative juices to coming up with a whole new female character (that’s how we got the amazing Miss Phryne Fisher and, no, I don’t think we need to do a male version of it.)
However, just to prove my point, I think we men need to suggest movies that were made with a strong female lead and which now must be remade with a man instead. Of course, the plot would need to change. Of course, I have provided the new script. And of course, I expect money even though none will turn up.
1. Pretty Woah-man: Bedraggled man in a hoodie and sneakers walks into a fancy boutique, but is turned away. So, he goes, shops and comes back decked out in designer gear but still looking like a hobo. He tries to tell the manager, “Big mistake,” but they turn him away again.
2. DDLJ: Mother leaves the hand of her son telling him to catch the train that is pulling out of the station with the love of his life, but the man-boy decides to stay instead... because, mommy.
3.Bro-hood of the Travelling Pants: Four male friends find a pair of trousers that fit them well, so, instead of sharing it, they simply order a pair each online and go to work in them on Monday morning. The trousers are beige.
4. Larry Croft: Basically it is Nicolas Cage in National Treasure , but re-shot wearing hot pants.
5. Charlie’s Angels: Three super spy men work for a lady called Charlotte. But she soon finds that to really get the job done right, she has to do it herself.
6. Sex and the City: If you leave out Hollywood (which gave us Entourage ), this one would be about four men, working the corporate ladder, living in a city, who meet for drinks after work but never discuss their problems and issues. They leave after two drinks.
7. Marty Poppins: A male guardian for some kids turns up and… oh wait, we already have Kindergarten Cop , The Pacifier , and Big Daddy , and all of them were real doozies. Maybe we should just remake Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid .
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
