The sun always shines on Insta

The true story behind everybody’s happy holiday photos on social media

May 31, 2019 11:24 am | Updated June 04, 2019 12:29 pm IST

Deep sea diving — a moment before shark attack: or so they say on Instagram

Deep sea diving — a moment before shark attack: or so they say on Instagram

Your exotic Europe tour starts with hotel breakfast, only to discover that the cheese, fruit and coffee are in various other digestive systems already. Someone has unhelpfully shoved a foot-long baguette into the toaster, and the staff are trying to douse the flames. Click pic, post: Horrific fire in Europe, I was there!

You get the last seat on your coach, in the middle of a joyous, garrulous family passing namkeen and family gossip across you. Aunty ji insists on retrieving a peanut dropped into your lap. The day’s tour offers skip-the-queue panoramic city views, which means riding around the city in traffic, seeing the queues outside gates of famous museums, from the comfort of your AC coach. Click pic, post: Outside the outside the outside of Le Louvre.

Finally, a rest-stop. To admire the local scenery. At a fuelling station. The rest rooms have queues which Mount Everest would be proud of. You decide to water the local scenery behind instead. You are caught, fined in Euros, and no one on the coach will give you namkeen any more. Click pic, post: Racist European authorities manhandle Asian tourist.

The next day, you are taken to an amusement park where the rollercoaster twists your tongue around your neck 23 times. To get the most exciting selfie, you ride it thrice. You spend the rest of the day curled up in the coach, pushing your stomach back through your throat, while the rest of your tour party visits palaces. Click pic, post: Near-death experience. Don’t worry. I am a survivor!

The day after, your group is ferried three hours to a remote thermal spring, where you must bathe at your own expense. You don’t. Instead click pics of beautiful models in the brochure and post: Hot company at hot springs!

You are next herded to a stuffy emporium with a dreary demo of local handicrafts. You fall asleep on top of the cute salesgirl who wakes you with a slap. Shoot vid, post: Lavinia and me in a lover’s spat.

Before checking out of your hotel, you grab a long hot bath. Click close-up of you inside tub underwater, post: Deep sea diving — a moment before shark attack.

You get 304 hearts, 113 comments on your holiday pics, with 19 requests for Lavinia’s number, and your mom calling to ask why a blonde bahu when there are so many nice girls back home.

Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.

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