The higher is calling!

It’s entirely possible that the sight of the 20-something, unshaven you lolling in a purple lungi on the couch is not as mesmerising for them as the panda was for me. In fact, I venture to say your masterly inactivity is as far from cutesy panda porn as Kangana is from Mother Teresa

December 19, 2020 04:04 pm | Updated 04:04 pm IST

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi

Illustration: Satheesh Vellinezhi

Dear Agony Akka,

It’s been a few months since I graduated, but I haven’t done much about getting a job yet. And no, it’s not COVID-19 that’s stopping me. I am not lazy or anything, but the notion of having to work for a salary strikes me as mercenary. Anyway, mainstream ‘careers’ leave me bored. I think I was made for a higher calling, only I am not sure what that is. I am happy to wait and find out, but my parents are not. Once an hour, every hour, they turn to me and say, “ Dei , what do you want to do in life?” Lately, their tone has become sharper and I find long-lost uncles phoning me with career advice. I think my parents are setting them on me. Last week, Amma even looked pointedly at the celery I had bought and said, “ Adhu spelling enna? Celery -a, salary -a? ” I am feeling very misunderstood. Please help.

A Sleepy Savant

Dear ASS,

I like surfing on my smartphone. (I own the most expensive phone among all my friends.) Some time ago, I saw a video taken at the panda enclosure of a foreign zoo. Pandas, of course, score high on cuteness quotient, a bit like me in my youth in that sense, but their chief characteristic is their minimal movement. As a species, they seem to prefer languor to locomotion. In the video, when Yin, the biggest panda, wakes up and feels peckish, he stretches out lazily for a bamboo shoot, with all the urgency of a Jeetendra slow-motion song. Sometimes, even that much action proves too exhausting and he rolls over and goes back to sleep, bamboo shoot halfway to mouth. I know this is not exactly like the Jackie Chan action films you probably watch, but there’s something mesmerising about the panda’s extravagant lethargy. I watched the video many times.

Now, coming to your parents, it’s entirely possible that the sight of the 20-something, unshaven you lolling in a purple lungi on the couch is not as mesmerising for them as the panda was for me. In fact, I venture to say your masterly inactivity is as far from cutesy panda porn as Kangana is from Mother Teresa.

Still, I have a suggestion. Your parents are clearly focused on money. I can’t blame them, if your celery cravings are anything to go by. Why don’t you suggest that they rig up a video camera in the sitting room to livestream your masterly inactivity? In fact, if you are inactive in a hammock, that might be the ‘higher’ calling you are looking for. The success of mind-elevating shows such as Bigg Boss rests entirely on the enduring voyeuristic appeal of watching nothing happen.

I understand why your lofty, albeit lazy, mind views mainstream careers with disdain. Like the panda, you fear that you might fall asleep before you attach screwdriver to screw or vernier calipers to well, vernier. But please don’t despair. I am sure there are many alternative careers out there literally calling out for someone with your special skills. Dunlopillo might want someone to test the springiness of their products. Or Berger might want you to watch their paints dry.

I recently read about a pet clinic in Dublin that wanted a full-time ‘cat cuddler’ and I believe that lonely people in Japan advertise for ‘human cuddlers’. Of course, these jobs are a bit too loving to exist in India, but there’s a thriving career to be made in the opposite direction. Think of the lakhs you can earn snitching on couples canoodling in parks. Or standing in registration offices reading all the special marriage notices. In fact, you should tell your parents you are in august company. With Parliament’s winter session cancelled, the army of thumb twiddlers has just grown larger.

— AA

agony.akka@gmail.com

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