Before saying anything else, I must inform you of two things. One, that I wrote this entire column wearing a military cap and a military jacket, and cradling in my lap a MUG-21. The MUG-21, for the benefit of civilian ignoramuses, is a mug-shaped grenade launcher whose shells, made of military-grade panchagavya , release 21 million pellets of compressed cow urine when they explode. Two, taking inspiration from the cabin crew of our national carrier, I will end every paragraph with ‘Jai Hind’. As a devout patriot, it’s my modest contribution towards empowering my fellow patriots in their battle against anti-nationals. Jai Hind.
I decided to adopt these measures after observing my countrymen’s behaviour in the last two weeks. I am referring specifically to the anti-nationals amongst us, also known as the ‘ tukde tukde tukde tukde tunak tunak tun tarara ’ gang. These are all Indians aged 21 to 56. The perfect age to defend the country — either in the army, the air force, the navy, or social media. And yet, what were they doing? Asking questions. Doubting their own government. Questioning their own PM. Not having read the Bhagavad Gita , they are ignorant of what Krishna said to Arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra: “Any fool can ask questions. But only a wise man has the good sense not to answer them, never to hold a press conference, and to say ‘no comment’ when ambushed by a reporter in a foreign country.” Jai Hind.
Speaking for myself, I don’t belong to a ‘fringe group’. In fact, some of my best friends are people who deserve to be thrashed because they burst crackers when Pakistan beats India in a cricket match. In other words, I am a regular patriot. As a patriotic journalist, I consider it my duty to blindly believe whatever the government says, either officially or through its sources. Jai Hind.
So, what happened in the last week of February, according to my own highly placed government sources, is the following: India, in a daring pre-dawn air strike, bombed a massive training centre of the Jaish-e-Mohammad in Balakot, killing 999 terrorists. When Pakistan attempted to copy India’s idea and sent its F-16s into Indian airspace, we immediately shot down one F-16. Then our planes entrapped the remaining 23 PAF aircraft in an aerial chakravyuha , before letting them go as a peace gesture. Those are the true facts. Jai Hind.
I know there are many alternative facts and narratives doing the rounds. But none can match mine when it comes to the only criterion that matters when assessing the patriotism of journalistic stories: which one is the best for the government ahead of elections? Jai Hind.
Our beloved PM made an astute observation last week. He said that there is now a new trend of questioning the government. “This was not a tradition in our country,” he said. I agree 200%. Rewind back to your own childhood. Were you taught to ask questions, or to obey elders? Even today, in every sanskari home, the tradition is to not question one’s parents. Jai Hind.
Our PM is our father-figure. The government, which has given us so many Aadhaar numbers, speed-breakers, and pradhan mantri yojanas, is our mother. I don’t know how good a son or daughter you are, but I hope you’re not the type to doubt your parents. In fact, I have a question for all those demanding so-called evidence: What evidence do you have that you are the offspring of whoever you claim to be the offspring of? A birth certificate means nothing. Tomorrow I can produce a birth certificate stating that I am the son of Barack Obama. Does that mean America will give me a free green card? Jai Hind.
We Indians enjoy a global reputation as superstition-believers. As a nation, our motto is ‘Just believe it’. So, where did this sudden obsession with evidence come from? Soon we’ll be demanding evidence that India has created 20 crore jobs in five years. What next? Evidence that there was no corruption in the Rafale deal? Jai Hind.
Let me set it down in black and white. If you want to stay in India, you have to be a patriot. And patriotism is a club: you are either in it, or you’re an anti-national. And like Fight Club, patriotism also has rules. The first rule of patriotism is that you do not question the government. The second rule of patriotism is that you do NOT question the government. The third rule of patriotism is that, when someone questions the government, you call them ‘anti-national’ and bay for their haemoglobin. Now please stand up for the national anthem. Jai Hind.
