Epiphoney Columns

The big ban theory

I always knew that one day the next generation will do things that I won’t entirely comprehend or, worse still, I will do things that they don’t, and either ways I would know that I have aged. And at that point it would be crucial for me to accept this transition, to embrace this metamorphosis, and learn to prioritise a good read and an early night in over trying to be the last man standing at some drunken night club party. To be honest, I never got into that latter anyway, even when I was primed for such.

Now feeling old is one thing but to feel entirely left out, a relegated has-been rather than a once-was (not even an also-ran), that’s way worse. What is even worse is that it is not even the next generation that is my chronological undoing. In fact, I realise that I was coming undone since the times of Shakespeare and Da Vinci! Here then are paradigms that I have never comprehended nor managed to reasonably inculcate. If I ever get to be a bouncer at the door of sensibility, these are the culprits I will have evicted.

1. Smoothie bowl-ers: The same people who refuse to acknowledge the six perfectly good species that God gave us to milk and, instead, choose to churn milk from nuts, oats and what-not are also mostly the people who take a thing that was perfectly fine to drink out of a glass and put it in a bowl, decorated like a Pride Parade Christmas tree. Why kiddos, why?

2. Clichéd captioners: It is funny when influencers use the same caption to stand out. It is like being part of a cult that has gone mainstream but is in denial. Originality is rarer than an honest politician.

3. Double pressers: I don’t understand people who press for a lift when it has already been summoned and the indicator light is well lit to highlight that. Ironically, these are the same people who need to be constantly reminded of their pending bills, which they never end up paying on time!

4. Anyone who incorrectly uses “Begs the question”: I have always feared dying without ever knowing the correct usage of this idiom. No, it is not what you think — urging people to ask the question. In fact, it means quite the contrary that it is so obvious a question that it has possibly been asked and hence ends up evading the question completely. Good, now that makes two of us who will die confused.

5. Astrologers: It must be depressing to know that your entire life will be spent telling others one continuous lie. No, not the one about God and religion, but the one about their future. Imagine your entire raison d’être being a slightly more euphemistic form of a used car salesman. Your ilk needs to be held accountable for all the confusion and ambiguity they have added to my life.

6. Bridge commentary writers: I suspect the game was invented sometime during the Black Death in Europe and probably encouraged more people to run out and embrace the sick in a bid to die of the plague instead. Bridge commentary in the newspapers reads like what happens if engineers and lawyers fancy themselves as novelists. Case in point, “Nobody was able to fulfil the easy contract… perished because of force of habit.” What kind of game commentary is this?

This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.

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Printable version | Apr 12, 2021 8:01:55 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/the-big-ban-theory/article33757175.ece

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