Since nothing attracts money better than money, the trick to becoming rich is to be rich all along. Now that might sound like a paradox to some of you, but only till the time that I, the richest of all, albeit in experiences acquired the hard way, explain it to you. For no apparent reason, and least of all, any altruistic gain, allow me to divulge the secret of how to get “there”.
Being rich is easy: you just go get yourself a lot of money. But appearing rich is much harder; it requires careful planning and timed execution. You need to balance out how you show the money that you don’t have, else people can see through you and all is undone. Here are some tips on how to live beyond your means and make it seem effortless.
But before I begin — and in case you’re wondering why one would merely need to feign being rich, instead of working hard towards amassing a fortune — let me say, the end goal is the same: a relaxed existence. At least when you don’t truly have the money, you know your relatives won’t be scavenging your riches when you are gone. Also, because nobody likes the really rich folk.
Cringe with tips: You can always tell a truly rich person because they never tip well. They didn’t buy all those expensive watches and cars by being generous with their loot. So be tight-fisted and people will instantly hate you for the rich cad you are.
Big talk: If you are gonna make a claim, make it tall. Modest is never memorable. Maybe posthumously, but rarely earlier. So talk the big talk, always. Don’t worry about the ‘fake it till you make it’ mantra because, in the regime, you never have to. Make it, that is.
Poorer peers: Remember to appear richer; it is important that nobody calls your bluff. Say, if you speak about the mosques of Venice, the backwaters of Florence or the canals of Edinburgh, nobody should be the wiser in the room. Which is why it is important to always be around people who are considerably less rich.
First world problems: A very fine line decides your true worth. Worrying about things that rise above the global imagination is what sets you apart from the riff-raff. Don’t worry about world peace, undernourished children or issues stemming from climate change — the major governments have those covered. Instead, focus on the problems that affect you more directly like the lack of worthwhile business class lounges in the southern hemisphere, or the general ennui that is common to most three-star Michelin eateries. And if you can worry about the dropping levels of craftsmanship at the luxury houses, then you sir, or ma’am, have truly risen above the general set.
Garble vocab: Being rich is directly linked to being incomprehensible. Roald Dahl could have been a billionaire in today’s times just for his ability to concoct new words by the minute. Using made-up words mires the whole concept of being rich in secrecy and guilds it with one-upmanship. So acquire the knack; it lends you not just panache and gravitas but also confuses the rest.
The thing about acting rich is that it is the easiest of habits to acquire. Think of it as a lie that you first learn to believe yourself, for once that is achieved, there is little to differentiate between the make-believe and the real.
That established, still make sure you have enough left to pay the minimum amount due on your card every month!
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
