There’s a chance that some of you may adopt this weird species of dog. They don’t realise they’re dogs. Regrettably, they have very little smarts and zero instinct. Training them would test a Saint (Bernard). Nevertheless, it is faintly pawssible.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. So, start with their babies who are cool and drool, move on fours and dribble from both ends. Sort of like us. But then they begin to grow up and grow dumber. They spend hours prettying up and finally use your pic as their DP.
Start by showing them how to love themselves. They are supremely unhappy with their skins. They keep buying new ones on sales, which they soon get supremely unhappy with again. Now, show them how much we love our skin. Roll around and get fur all over the sofa. Especially before they have visitors. Watch them howl (in gratitude, surely?) from under the bed, just so you’re safe.
Next teach them how to share. Turn your nose up at the boring food in your boring bowl. Tail whoever’s eating something yummy, stick your head on to their lap and drool copiously on to it. Make puppy eyes, too. Done! The snack is ours. That was easy.
Train them to stay home and not wander. Who knows what dangers will befall these silly helpless things in this dog-eat-dog world? (Fake news — other dogs aren’t tasty). Kidnap one of their shoes. Hide it or decimate it into 23 pieces. Suitcases mean they’re leaving for days on end. Curl up inside so they carry you along. If they notice that one of their jackets has a tail, and chase you out, chew the handle off the traitorous turncoat suitcase.
Show them how to talk and laugh with their tails. Oh, wait, the poor things don’t have one. Instead, they keep making complex sounds but no one understands each other, so they end up sitting only with their phones.
Take them for a walk. Yes, they think they’re walking you – ha ha! Show them how to splash in puddles, charge around with your tongue lolling out, chase sunbeams, lift your leg at car tyres, lick lampposts, slippers, doormats before licking each other’s faces. Life is beautailful, dog bless you!
Wake them at midnight to warn them about a moth or a bad dream. Then, curl up near them to remind them that the future isn’t worth worrying about as long as you’re together.
Show them how to live happily. They seem to have forgotten. To show gratitude and unconditional love. To frighten away the courier guy. To sleep right after a full meal and dream of another. Tempt them out of sad moods by inviting them to rub your tummy.
Train them to be good dogs, even after they’ve just called you Bad Dog. Remember, you’ve always got to be the better man.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of ‘Happily Never After’, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
