Smart investing for next birth

Hand-drawn vector drawing of a Smartphone Payment, Money Transfer Concept. Black-and-White sketch on a transparent background (.eps-file). Included files are EPS (v10) and Hi-Res JPG.

One question that keeps me awake at night is what I will do if I end up dying a billionaire. I know what you’re thinking: “This fellow? And billionaire? Has he seen his face in the mirror?” Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions about my future earning potential based on the borderline defamatory image above this column. And for your kind information, the chances of me dying a billionaire are about the same as the chances of me getting a loan of ₹9,000 crore from an Indian bank plus the chances of me fleeing the country without repaying it minus the chances of me being extradited back to India before I die peacefully in my sleep on a hammock in the porch of my ocean-front property in Antigua. In other words, they are damn good.

Transferring wealth

Which is why I’ve been burning the midnight oil researching how to transfer wealth from my current birth to my next birth. After working so hard for an entire lifetime, starting from kindergarten and school, to the prime of your frustrated youth, all through your high-BP middle age and your post-bypass senility, right till the time you’re doing Parkinson’s pranayama on a Siemens ventilator, who wants to start from scratch all over again?

I don’t. Besides, what if I am born in a downwardly mobile Adivasi family in Gujarat, and when I’m five years old, my entire community is forcibly displaced because a bunch of intelligent people decide that the best way to develop a poor country like India is by spending what little money it has on erecting a 183-metre statue of Mickey Mouse on our farmland? Or worse, what if I am born in a community whose traditional occupation is cattle trading and all my family members get accidentally lynched? In such a situation, wouldn’t it be nice if I could tap into the savings of my previous birth? After all, that’s my money, and it’s a shame to not be able to access it only because global money transfer technology hasn’t evolved to the same level as Indian spiritual technology.

A Nobel-category breakthrough

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I learnt that a great scholar of Inter-Life-Intra-Soul Money Management Technology (ILISMOMAT) has agreed to teach at one of India’s top universities. This is a momentous occassion, and an opportunity to showcase India’s unique contribution to world civilisation in the highly specialised field of spiritual economics. Had I been this university’s vice chancellor, I would have honoured this scholar by at least renaming it as Jeevatma Nationalistic University. It would have cost nothing and earned a lot of goodwill for an institution whose goodwill deficit right now is lower even than India’s common sense deficit. But sadly, that hasn’t happened. This great son of India who shuns publicity has achieved a Nobel-category breakthrough that will change the face of economics, open up a whole new market for personal banking, and most importantly, make corruption great again.

As you are aware, the most pressing existential question facing humanity today is the following: what is the point of taking enormous risks, including the risks of going to jail and besmirching one’s reputation, if there is no way of transferring one’s ill-gotten billions to the next birth? This was the problem to which the professor found a solution, and it’s called Interlife Reincarnation Trust Management (IRTM).

This is how it works. Let’s say you are a corrupt civil servant who has squirrelled away ₹4,000 crore in a bank account in Mauritius. Your first step would be to park 80% of that money with IRTM, an economico-spiritual trust registered in Cayman Islands, Brahma Loka. Now, IRTM has a profit-sharing deal with the admins of karma, who sit in the sky and manage the traffic of souls from one birth to another. They do the accounting of all your life’s karma and decide whether your next birth will be as the only child of an Adani-Ambani or as one of the thousands of offspring of a poor but hard-working family of cockroaches.

Luminaries on the RBI list

IRTM uses the ILISMOMAT technology to embed a GPS-chip in your soul, so that the identity and location of your next reincarnation can be tracked across multiple rebirths, and your funds from your previous births continuously credited to the bank account of your current birth. This is, in fact, an updated version of the same chip that was used in ₹2,000 notes during demonetisation to successfully eliminate black money, fake currency, Naxalism and terrorism. Existing customers of IRTM include Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. So what are you waiting for? Do what you have to do if you want to be as secure in your next birth as the luminaries on RBI’s list of wilful defaulters are in their current one.

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Printable version | Apr 25, 2022 3:34:18 pm |