'Sir/Madam, can I exchange my son for DVD player?'

‘What you can expect from today’s youths except fraud and chicanery.’

November 03, 2018 04:05 pm | Updated 10:01 pm IST

Respected madam/sir,

Due to unfortunate developments in the household, I have to buy a new DVD player. I should have purchased the same yesterday. But because of unbearable number of total muttaals and mandashiromanis surrounding me, I was unable to do the same.

First muttaal is, as usual, my son. My son means muttaal . Muttaal means my son. On Thursday around 3 p.m. after lunch, I went to living room and put DVD of superhit Michael Caine film The Eagle Has Landed .

Movie was just starting and becoming thrilling when my son entered the living room like cholera enters human intestine. Hello Appa, he said, what you are watching Jambuvan period film that should be in museum. World War and all old story. How many times I have to tell we have Netflix subscription since February, please see something new.

I said my son, if you will keep your mouth shut for two minutes, I have to say two things. First of all, if you say anything bad about The Eagle Has Landed , I will World War your moonji with this flower vase. Second thing, who is paying for this Netflix subscription, myself or yourself? Father and son and all is ok, my credit card means my credit card, your credit card means your credit card.

Madam/ Sir, what you can expect from today’s youths except fraud and chicanery and backstabbing.

My son coolly went to the DVD player and pressed eject button. He said, Appa, there is no such thing as your Netflix or my Netflix in this family, everybody can watch, please don’t bring money into family matters. I coolly went to the DVD player and pushed the disc back inside. I said if you touch the DVD player again, I will personally go to Netflix head-office and cancel it. He pressed eject and said, old man, today I will not give up. I am fed up of your stupid old DVDs. I pushed it back inside. He pressed eject button. I pushed it back inside. He pressed eject.

Madam/ Sir, let us not point fingers or blame anybody but DVD got broken in half and stuck inside the DVD player and then somehow my son got locked in the balcony for two hours until Mrs. Mathrubootham came back from ladies association steering committee meeting.

I said Kamalam, what to do now, DVD player is broken. It is my favourite thing in this entire house. Then, after spending one hour with my son locked in the balcony, I went to the shop to buy a new DVD player. On the way I met my dear friend Mohammad Usman. He said, where are you going? I said I am going to purchase DVD player. He said from a shop? I said no, from Vetri Vinayagar Temple in Thirumangalam, you also don’t eat my head, Usman.

Madam/ Sir, Usman said Mathru what nonsense. You are buying from shop when Amazon is having Great India Festival Diwali Special sale? You just go home and order online, too much sale is there.

So I came home and went to computer and opened Amazon website. Through the window, my balcony son asked: Appa, what are you doing? I told him. He said ha ha ha ha, what nonsense your friends are talking. Why waste our money on Amazon when Flipkart is having Diwali Super Duper sale. I said ok, thanks, but if you say ‘our money’ one more time, lifelong you will live in balcony, mind it.

So I went to Flipkart website and spent 1 hour 20 minutes finding perfect DVD player. At that moment, Mrs. Mathrubootham came and said, old man what nonsense you are ordering electronic items from the Internet. What if you get damaged goods? Or some fraud company is sending second-hand item? No. Never. Better go to nearby electronics shop and buy properly.

Sir/ Madam, enough is enough. I told everybody please shut up. I am never watching DVD again. I am going to burn all my DVDs in the balcony and we can make tandoori items on the fire. Fed up.

Yours in total exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham

P.S. Whether any Great India Diwali Republic Day Pongal Onam Special Exchange offer is there in Chennai where you can get new DVD player in exchange of family members?

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