This city is full of irresponsible people. It makes me furious. Look at that stupid couple having a party, without even inviting me?
Yesterday, I entered the lift and everyone inside rushed out. How do they expect us to spread cheer if people are taking social distancing to this degree? Of course, I had not worn my mask (it was a one-minute lift ride, after all — what can spread in one minute?). And then again, when was the last time they saw someone’s dazzling smile? (Lipstick shade Scandalous Ruby, in case you’re interested.) I mean, what’s the point of sending forwards that say, ‘Keep Calm and Smile’, if no one can see that smile, and they are doing the opposite of keeping calm by stampeding over each other to avoid me and my Scandalous smile?
I was the first to get my vaccine shot when they started it for senior citizens. Of course, you know I don’t appear remotely senior. I had to just flash my Aadhaar card, and can go back to being late-30s now. I made my husband’s driver (who is a senior citizen — I am honest that way) stand in the queue for three hours for my slot. The embarrassment! I saw a neighbour and, before she opened her mouth, I pushed an old woman along, pretending I was there only to help my senior citizen aunt. My ‘aunt’ turned around and smacked my hand. My mean neighbour is now sending me ads for retirement homes and yoga for ageing bones.
I shared my picture across social media. I put a flag emoji on the arm on which I got my vaccine. I have co-morbidities, I explained, even though I am in my late 30s. I had to make up some of the lesser co-morbidities to not appear both old and sick.
Look at people thronging markets, to buy essential goods. When I threw a Covid party, I made sure everyone arrived at 10-minute intervals. No one ever saw crowds entering or leaving my house — I was super responsible like that. The building security said someone complained about the noise, and I said I was only watching TV. I am slightly deaf, I explained — it is one of my co-morbidities.
They even tried to stop my maids from coming in. The maids are at risk from travelling, they said. Am I to now clean my own house? After the party that I (never) threw. I am throwing crying fits at the thought. Is that how you people want to spread cheer?
Whenever someone sends me a link to donate for the Covid-unemployed, I tell them I am tirelessly supporting the economy. I spend days online-shopping for designer clothes, but where to wear them? Really! I even started a donation drive for myself and my co-morbidities. I am breaking my back being responsible, I said. No one has donated a single paisa . Irresponsible people.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
