Dear Mathroobootham sir,
Sir, this is Ashokan. The Xerox shopwala. What sir, you did not hear me only. I was calling you while running after you till you disappeared in the Chennai airport. Mr. Velayuthan once told me that wherever you go, even to Africa, you read The Hindu . So I am writing here. He told me you have gone to Singapore.
Did you reach Singapore safely, sir? I only hope they have not put you in jail, sir. Very strict they are, you know. You came to photocopy your and Kamalam aunty passports and forgot it at my shop. You only took visa photocopies and gone to airport. I ran after you but what to do, old people don’t hear. Anyway, Chennai airport people very nice, they don’t bother old people and must have allowed you in with just visa. They know you are not communist but Amma devotee. Don’t worry; I will not use your passport, sir. I too have a Godrej Almirah at home gifted by my wife’s father.
Sir, Mr. Velayuthan showed me what you wrote about me in The Hindu paper. So, you give me 25 paisa tip and make my fun? I have so many 25 paisa coins you gave me. Utterly useless, sir. I can’t even buy filter coffee from that good-for-nothing Gopalan. But I am not a stupid boy, sir, as you mentioned in the paper.
Do you remember Kamalam aunty ordered pizza through app and it did not arrive for four days even though promised to be delivered in 40 minutes? Actually, it was left on your doorstep, sir, so I picked it and ate it. I told this to my friend David and he told me to confess and do service for you by writing letters to you so you will pardon me. You will, no sir?
I know you love your neighbourhood and Chennai, so let me give you some news so that you will not miss Chennai and enjoy your stay in Singapore.
Sir, it seems you are teaching accountancy and maths free to children. Sir, you need not give free tuition anymore. Children are now taking tuitions from some Byju fellow for maths. It seems he delivers knowledge better than that pizza fellow. Because of this fellow, I am having loss.
You know, Mary teacher has stopped taking photocopies of her Maths question paper from me. She says, in school also, Byju teaches. You remember in Chennai Express movie that Khan fellow danced in lungi? It seems he has left movies and now marketing Byju’s app. Difficult times are coming, sir.
I miss you, sir. What a wonderful man you are, full of knowledge. Sir, yesterday one Gujarati man called Shah came searching to me for your house address. That Shah told me he worked with you in Shillong.
He came to collect his box of free Bank of India dining set. Do you have it? I told him my Mathrubootham sir is very honest and he doesn’t have it. Sorry, sir, I don’t believe these Shah fellows. Can you believe, he came to Chennai only to collect some 30-year-old dining set?
One more thing, sir. Remember that bank fellow who was delaying your ATM card? It seems he is getting married. To some girl from Tripura. It seems she has five cows and she is selling milk at ₹50 per litre there. He searched this girl on matrimonial website. If only I had known about such girls earlier. But sir, my Bhanumathi is very nice, she makes vadai and sambar wonderful. When you come back, please visit my home for tiffin.
By the way, I picked up some letters lying under your house door. In it there is your ATM card. Don’t worry, sir. I will not use it.
Sir, I am not stupid boy any more. Before taking out photocopies, I read all papers people give for copying. Knowledge is free, isn’t it, sir.
You please enjoy Singapore. I will write to you again.
