Today we are all living in the era of social distancing. No, that’s not a viral joke. Okay, but that was! Get it?
What I am talking about is how we are all so connected and yet so detached. We wish everyone on some online platform, even post a picture with them; we commemorate every festival from Thanksgiving to Diwali to Eid, even Valentine’s, all in an effort to be seen as woke and with it. But here are a few days we need to commemorate but don’t yet. Let’s give social media the real boost it needs by instituting some of these this year.
1. Porn Star Day: You know how they say, never meet your porn stars? Okay, they say heroes but is it really that different? Funny thing about porn is that it’s a billion dollar industry and yet I can never find more than two people in any room who admit to watching it! Maybe if we had a day for them, each one of them, it would feel a nobler act.
2. Alternate uses for a Tea Cosy Day: If this generation keeps draining tea by dunking bags of dust in hot water, tea as an art will be lost soon. Nobody does teapots anymore, it seems. Maybe having a day for tea cosies will rekindle that romance. I don’t want to live in a civilisation which is too crude for tea cosies.
3. Memorial Day for Lost Socks: This is more of a remembrance. I don’t know where they go or what route they take, all we can do is hope they are happy and find a new partner. While here, let’s add unfinished ChapSticks. In case you are the type who sees a ChapStick all the way through, please turn yourself in, you psychopath.
4. Troubling Your Pets Day: Why should Fido have all the fun? Just one day I want to give them a taste of their own regurgitated medicine. I want to make them feel squeamish and squirm where they stand, or sit, or stay. Pee on their beds, mess up their toys, chew up their favourite leash maybe… I don’t know, I’m spitballing here. What would you do that makes your pet think lowly of you? Voilà!
5. Cards for Hallmark Day: This is special, one where we thank the thank-ers. This day is when we shall send them cards in spite of knowing that they will (a) either be profiting from the thank you card sales already and/or (b) stealing our card ideas for their next print run.
6. Men’s Day Reminder Day: We need one day, just one, to remind all men (cis-, unspecified, or otherwise) that there is only one International Men’s Day and that the remaining 364 (well, now 363) certainly aren't theirs. On this day, like on Men’s Day, we can leave the seat up, not shut cupboards, forget things, mansplain, and maybe even man-spread on public transport all we want and nobody would be allowed to object.
7. One day for badly cooked meals: This deep and moving memorial day for slabs of meat that died twice, once when they were killed and once when they were massacred on a grill by some master chef wannabe. All food deserves respect, especially the one that wasn’t shown any while being prepared. Due to this precise sentiment of mine, many Indian restaurants are nothing but graveyards to me.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
