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Dancer or diplomat?

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Respected Madam/ Sir,

So morning itself phone call came from laundry fellow. Kamalam picked up the phone. Laundry fellow Wilfred said, “Madam, one small problem is there.”

Kamalam immediately said, “Wilfred, friendship means friendship, Christmas cake and all you are giving every year, all ok, but if even one centimetre of sari is burnt means I will come to your shop and demolish everything.”

He said, “No no no Madam, no no never. Your sari I am taking care more than I am taking care of my own family, problem is with Mathrubootham sir trousers.”

Kamalam said, “What nonsense you are taking tension Wilfred. Ha ha ha ha. If you want, you can destroy all his trousers. Sir is wearing same items since maybe Raja Raja Chola period. You please don’t worry, how is the family? Kindly convey regards. Whether Christmas preparations have started or no?”

Madam/ Sir, snake should marry snake, human should marry human. But look at my situation, gentle human has married poisonous viper.

After breakfast I went to Wilfred’s shop. I said, “Wilfred what happened?” He said, “Uncle total confusion, one million apologies, by mistake your trousers went into wrong batch. Everything shrinking.”

I said, “Oh my god, I purchased these trousers in Bangalore when I was working in Jayanagar branch. How can you do this to me?”

He said, “Uncle, thousand times sorry, you please tell the price of the trousers I will give you?” I told him the price. Wilfred looked as if electric shocked. He said, “Uncle, when did you buy trousers? Before or after Mangal Pandey events of 1857? Please take double money.”

After that I decided trousers is not there means whether life can stop? I will buy new trousers.

Wilfred said, “Uncle one new shop has opened nearby.”

Madam/ sir, I went to the shop. Immediately salesman came to help. I said, “Please give trousers for respectable retired man, no jeans type, no baggy, no trouser with pocket outside, and not one single hole should be there.”

He said, “Very good sir,” and then asked me whether I am wanting Cowboy fit, Dancer fit, Diplomat fit, or Holiday fit. I thought joke but his face was serious.

This is why tomorrow if China is invading India I will stand at the border and say please come, all buffoons and idiots in the country, feel free.

I told salesman, “Thambi please don’t waste my time.”

He said, “Uncle it is like this. Cowboy is tight, Dancer is slim, Diplomat is medium, and Holiday is relaxed fit.”

I said, “Ok you bring Diplomat, please.” Then he said, “Uncle whether you want low-rise, high-rise or medium-rise Diplomat.” I said, “Thambi have you seen superhit Mammooty film Oru CBI Diary Kurippu?

He said, “Uncle, what is a mammooty?”

I said, “In that movie also Mammooty did not ask murderer so many questions. Anyway, medium-rise, please urgently bring two or three samples.”

He said, “Uncle final question, you want wrinkle-free or classic?” Immediately I came back to house. I told Kamalam, “No more purchasing trousers. Two are there no? When both are getting holes then I will sit at home and never put one step outside the house.”

She said, “Old man, don’t say this even as joke, I will do something.”

Madam/ Sir, tomorrow tailor who is doing blouse and sari fall for Kamalam is coming to house. She asked him, “Hello, can you make gents trousers also?” He said, “I can try. Last time I made in 1985, since then lady specialisation.”

Both of us said, “100% perfect, you are appointed for making trousers.”

Yours in satisfaction,

J. Mathrubootham

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Printable version | Jun 13, 2021 11:10:55 AM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/dancer-or-diplomat/article29984280.ece

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