Letter from a concerned reader: Certificate of retirement

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Respected Madam/ Sir,

In Western countries and all what retired persons are doing? Sitting near waterfall and reading poetry of William Wordsworth. Sailing on cruise ship and enjoying glaciers of Iceland. Standing in British Museum and seeing Egyptian mummy and then going to pub and having beer and potato chips. Some people are going to Paris and standing on top of Eiffel Tower. One day I was reading some internet article about retirement and in the photo one retired couple is standing in lawn garden with glass of red wine. I said, “Kamalam, this is retirement lifestyle, what do you think?”

She said, “Old man, stop looking at photo of retired ladies day and night on computer, can you go to shop and get perunkaayam urgently?” Where is Paris, where is perunkaayam.

Madam/ Sir, what am I doing in Chennai with my retired lifestyle? Standing in line outside nearby Balaji Xerox shop. Sun is burning. Xerox fellow is shouting. Meanwhile, auto drivers of all of Chennai are participating in new competition ‘Who Can Send Smoke Directly Into The Face Of Mathrubootham Zonal Championship 2019’.

Sweating and sweating like anything. Finally after 20 minutes I reached front of the queue. Xerox man said, “Hello Mathrubootham uncle, nice to see you, why have you come today to the shop?”

I said, “Thambi I am trying to learn Kuchipudi for two-three weeks, it is going very smoothly, but one doubt I came here to ask, whether I can dance only on steel plate or aluminium plate is also ok, do you have any information? Bloody fool, why I will come to Xerox shop? Chumma wasting my time under hot sun and then doing big talks. Quickly do Xerox, nonsense talking.”

Filling forms only

Afterwards when I reached home I started to fill some form for official bank purposes. Filling is going on. Passport copy ok. Address proof ok. Birth certificate ok. Marriage certificate ok. Before retirement I am spending full day filling form in office. After retirement doing same thing at home? Aneedhi of all aneedhis.

Excuse me, what is this?

Madam/ Sir, by mistake Xerox fellow had put some other person’s Xerox inside my manila cover. “Kamalam,” I said, “look what happened.” She picked it up and read it and said, “Oho, this is bio-data of one young boy in our housing complex only. Phone number is there. I shall call?”

Twenty minutes later one fellow came. He is living in flat in Block D. Immediately Kamalam came with tea and biscuit and all. He said, “Uncle sorry for confusion of Xerox. I am applying for some jobs.”

Madam/ Sir, his bio-data was bayangaramana impressive. First class. Distinction. Certificate. Hobby. Quiz. Karate. Everything was there. I said to the boy, “Enna ore impressive bio-data. You will get job within few days itself. All the best.”

He said, “Thank you uncle, I am very nervous.” “Cheh cheh! What nervous! Look at this. You have got President of India Award for Mathematics. Superb. Did you get it from current President or before one?”

He said, “Uncle, actually I got it from my tuition centre in Mugappair, it is called President of India Award, but president and all is not coming.” “That is ok, at least you got it for good marks in Mathematics no?”

He said, “No, actually it is prize for best use of Mathematics in cinematic dance performance. Prize for good marks is called Nobel Memorial Prize for Mathematics, somebody else got it.” “Ok. But you know karate?”

He said, “I went for one weekend course in Villivakkam.” “I see, what about this certificate in advanced computer design?”

“I studied course on the internet and designed certificate myself uncle.”

Madam/ Sir, I gave him biodata and said, “All the best my son, your future in this country is bright-o bright.” At that moment Kamalam came and said, “Old man, can you please come to look at washing machine, some noise is coming.” Immediately, this fellow said, “Uncle, I will investigate, I have degree in electrical engineering.”

She said, “Oh very good, thambi, please see.”

I said, “My son, all the best for the future, but if you touch a single thing in this house I will call the real police.”

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham

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Printable version | Jun 21, 2021 2:36:34 AM |

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