Epiphoney Columns

A new citizen’s list

Setting right what our ever-erroneous powers are getting wrong

Every now and then, I take stock of things. You could say I go all Marie Kondo on them. I like to think of it as the very efficient part of me in action. What I am trying to say is that stocktaking is a great thing to do. Which is why I don’t get all this furore about the NRC. Of course, we need to stock take our citizens, see if they are living up to certain standards and if not, let them walk a very long plank. But, before you huff and puff and blow it all down, I think where our ever-erroneous powers have erred is in specifying the criteria upon which this sorting should be based. The game is all fair, really; it is just that the rules for choosing the players need to be re-written. Of course I have a plan, why else would I even exist otherwise? Here are the people who definitely don’t deserve to be Indian citizens.

1. People who park in front of your entrance and say they are coming in two minutes but then disappear for an entire decade. Nobody, except dead people, have the right to be so reckless with their time. De-citizen-ify them.

2. Idiots who think movies that mock or deride women, ethnicities or disabilities, or promote violence against them, are even worth a watch. When such people turn up to buy a ticket, let’s make it a one-way airline type and let them enjoy their “in-flight movie” in ignorant peace. The cast and crew of the movie should also be on the same flight, one possibly with impending engine failure.

3. Goons who feel that students need to be educated at the business end of a stick. Be it in Hong Kong or saddi Dilli, one thing we should have learnt by now is that you don’t mess with students. It is one thing to give them a low grade for a copy-paste assignment, or to poke fun at them for being a millennial or, worse still, a Gen Z, but it is wholly another to barge into their... wait, why am I having to explain this? If you think I should, then you too need to be on that boat, matey. Just look for the HMS Titanic II at the docks.

4. Indian uncles who always have a “better deal” for anything that we’ve acquired. We all have one — a relative or acquaintance who not only belittles your every purchase or holiday by announcing how he has done it better, but also tells us about how we got gypped in the process. I say we ask him to validate his claims, like produce a stolen towel rack from a luxury resort as proof of said fabled holiday at ‘rockbottom’ prices. If he can’t, we get him, nay, we let him get the best deal of a ticket out of the country, for good.

5.And aunties, because this column is gender-equal, if you ever ask when any of us is getting married, let’s just say your next kitty party will be in an entirely different continent.

6. Spitters: if you spit, you gotta’ go. No exceptions.

7. Discussing the weather with me will earn you a warning, but even mildly attempting to discuss cricket or Bollywood will certainly earn you a spot on the ejectees’ list.

8.Manspreaders. Believe me, the situation is out of hand (or thigh?) and I am a man complaining about this! Let them all ride the standing ferry out of India to nowhere in particular.

9.Smelly people: from morning flights to malls, if you can’t keep your BO in check, get ready to be transported to a deserted island where all vegetation will soon wilt and die. Think of it like a fantasy reality TV show, except with no cameras.

10.Mansplainers. To expand this any further would make me guilty of it.

This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.

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Printable version | Apr 4, 2020 7:47:43 AM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/a-new-citizens-list/article30879381.ece

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