Spit Take Opinion

Bollywood bites

I’m super excited, dear friends. And that isn’t just because Mithunda has joined politics and declared that his top priority is going to be killing everyone with one bite like a cobra. It’s because my second most favourite actress in the universe, Priyanka Chopra, has announced that she’s opening an Indian restaurant in New York. Yippeee!

While my excitement knows no bounds, as a bona fide fan, I’m a tad disappointed that the restaurant is called Sona. Why, PC? A bit lame, don’t you think, when you could have called it Dosai Girl? Or Udipi Sri Jonasa Dosai Girl Vilas? Or had an exclusive buffet-only restaurant called Quantity Co? Or a vegan restaurant called Egsatwic? Or a joint that served specialty naans called The Wheat Tiger? Or a BBQ-style restaurant called Daddy’s Little Grill? So many options.

Anyway, the good news is that my watchman knows PC’s chef’s step-brother’s neighbour’s ex-wife. And she has shared some exciting news of what’s cooking (sorry for the cheap pun). Meaning, here’s a sneak peek of the exclusive Bollywood-themed menu of Sona.

Shakti Kapoor’s Sick Kababs on a Nada, Twinkle Khanna’s Funnyboneless Chicken with Akki Roti, Alia Bhatt’s Silly Chicken Marinated in Ran Beer, Ekta Kapoor's Bahu Kurry with Killer Saas, SS Rajamouli’s Kattappam with SFX Stew, Suniel Shetty’s Expressionless Mussels Cooked on a Woodfire, and Hemaji’s Basanti Thayir Saadam with Lotus Seeds are some of the delicacies one can expect here.

To be followed by Ranveer Singh’s Sequinned Strawberry Pista Blueberry Tomato Checkered Ice Cream with Simba Nuts on Steroids, Raju Hirani’s Saccharine Value Kulfi and Sanju Baba’s Cold Stoned Ice Cream in a variety of flavours for dessert.

The bar will serve Sallu Bhai’s Blackbuck’s Fizz and Dharam Paaji’s signature cocktail, Canine Bloody Mary.

Well, if my second most favourite actress is up to something, can my most favourite actress in the universe, nay, multiverse, be far behind? My readers are perfectly aware of who that is. It is she-who-teaches-stunts-to-Meryl Streep-and-accents-to-Tom Cruise. And could make Brando an offer he couldn’t refuse.

News is that she — yes, her! — isn’t going to let this go that easily. My sources tell me that she is planning her own restaurant right opposite PC’s. And that it might be called The Real Sona Not Like The Fake One Across The Road or Bharat Ka Sabse Greatest Most Fantastickest Jai Hind Restaurant of New York or If You Don’t Eat Here You’re Antinational Cafe or Tapsee Mukt Bistro.

And her chef, apparently, is the guy who scored ten marks more than PC’s chef in catering college. And can deadlift 300 kg. And is also a qualified brain surgeon who just happens to prefer cooking sturgeon, so there.

Rumour has it that while the restaurant will most likely be multicuisine, it won’t serve Mughlai. Or British. Or Italian. For obvious reasons. It also won’t serve Greek because Alexander lied and said he defeated Porus. It won’t serve West Indian because, well, Rihanna. Or Canadian, for that matter, because Trudeau is a closet farmer. In fact, it won’t serve anything grown by farmers.

But there will be unlimited Patriotic Poori with Hrithik Masala, Low Cal Nepo-Free Salad tossed in KJojoba Oil and Chicken in a Bhasker.

Come to think of it, why can’t we have more restaurants run by film actors, I say? And some South Indian ones, too. I, for one, would love to go to a restaurant run by T Rajendar. Where I could order a Coffee Not The Toffee made with a Decoction of the Solution in the Rejuvenation.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.

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Printable version | Oct 18, 2021 4:43:28 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/bollywood-bites/article34051749.ece

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