Sejal (name changed) was just 15 when she realised her unhealthy addiction to sex. It might sound like a “phase” that some teenagers go through, but for Sejal the curiosity grew into an obsession that steered her life for many years till she finally decided to get medical help last year.
“Yes, sex addiction is real and women can also be victims of it. All these years I was in denial mainly because of the shame I felt, and the thought of my family and neighbours knowing that I was a sex addict was just unimaginable,” said Sejal.
Sitting in a room with three other women during a group sharing session of the Delhi chapter of the Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sejal, with a scarf covering her face, agreed to speak to The Hindu on the condition that her identity would not be revealed.
Apart from her husband, no one in her family is aware of her condition. Her weekly visits to the psychologist and sessions of the SAA are known in the immediate family as visits to the gynaecologist.
Despite her discomfort, Sejal wanted people to know about the condition so that women like her do not have to silently tolerate the trauma. “Sex itself is a taboo in our society. Patriarchy is so internalised that even if we recognise it to be a disease, we cannot stomach the fact that women can be victims too,” she said.
Narrating her early experiences, Sejal said that what started out as sneakily watching porn turned into mindlessly entering physical relationships as she entered college. “I used to look forward to my parents leaving me alone at home. At the time, I felt that maybe everyone my age was experiencing this burst of hormones where sex was the only thing on their minds. But, I couldn’t get out of this phase and it only started to grow,” she said.
By the age of 21, Sejal had already casually dated a dozen men, and commitment seemed like the least of her priorities in a relationship. “As time passed, it became less about pleasure and more about power. My body would say enough, but my mind wanted more. It was then that I got introduced to another ‘reality’: it is not considered normal for women to want sex,” she said.
The women’s sessions of the SAA barely have any attendees. Most women, who want to share their experience with the group, prefer to call in so that their identities cannot be revealed. It is also not very easy for women to find medical help in the city.
Double stigma
Sexologists and psychologists said that women addicts are doubly stigmatised and often don’t feel comfortable seeking medical help.
Dr. Shatrupal, a sexologist in a private hospital in Gurugram, defined sex addiction as an obsession with sexual thoughts — often they are so strong that they start interfering with a person’s ability to work properly, or have relationships.
Bharti, a 24-year-old student, has been under recovery for around three months now. The initial sessions of counselling were spent getting her accustomed to how sex addiction is just like any other addiction and there is a way out.
“My sexual escapades had started taking a toll on my body. I got a urinary tract infection (UTI) twice and also got a pregnancy scare a few months ago,” said Bharti, who lives in Pune. Bharti, however, was unable to find a psychologist in Pune. She was asked several embarrassing questions and one counsellor even asked her to bring her mother along as she wasn’t “mature enough to understand her problem”.
“I still haven’t found a psychologist there. I take my sessions from an expert in Delhi, most of which are video calls,” she said.
Dr. Sarah Abrahim, a psychologist who has been counselling men and women with sex, porn, drug and alcohol addiction, said that for women sex addicts the feeling of guilt and shame is more because of the way they are raised to view sex and desire.
“For men, their acts are more aggressive. Some might be into voyeurism and exploitative sex, and others might be into anonymous hooking up and hiring prostitutes. For women, since the physical manifestation of their desires do not come easily, the psychological effect is serious,” she said.
