Does your child have low self-esteem and anxiety?

One resulting in shame on someone else’s behalf, the other stemming from self-doubt

March 18, 2019 12:06 pm | Updated 02:09 pm IST

A father sitting with his sad and serious 13 year old teenage son on the grass.

A father sitting with his sad and serious 13 year old teenage son on the grass.

A friend and I went together to meet a counsellor, as my friend was concerned about his teenage son who would prepare well for his exams, yet would never complete his answer papers and come home feeling guilty.

He assumed that his son feared he might not fare well even if he completed answering all the questions, and thus tended to sabotage himself.

My friend felt ashamed of his son and said so to the counsellor. The counsellor shared with us an interesting thought which rang true for me.

He told my friend that his being ashamed of his son came from what he called ‘moral guilt’, a belief my friend seemed to carry: ‘What will people say? How will I face them?’ Such guilt, the counsellor said, emanates from the assumption, ‘my son is useless’. Guilt of this nature is unhelpful, for it not only devalues the individual, it also harms the relationship with the individual.

“The guilt your son is experiencing on the other hand is,” the counsellor termed, “Existential guilt.” “Not that I am useless or incompetent, yet I suddenly feel a lack in me that causes anxiety resulting in not completing what has been undertaken.”

While the former guilt tarnishes one as being useless the latter tells the individual ‘I feel incomplete’.

Countering the latter is easier. The counsellor advised my friend to sit with his son and help him understand that all of us suffer some lack or the other. Therefore, instead of resisting this feeling of lack and allowing it to paralyse him, if he can merely listen to the deep anxieties consuming the child and assure him that he also experiences such moments of lack, of un-sureness and self-doubt, the child will realise he is not alone. With constant encouragement, the anxiety will lessen and help restore faith and belief in self.

“Treat him as though he has succeeded, then surely he will begin to believe so,” said the counsellor to my friend.

The writer is an organisational and behavioural consultant. He can be contacted at ttsrinath@gmail.com

0 / 0
Sign in to unlock member-only benefits!
  • Access 10 free stories every month
  • Save stories to read later
  • Access to comment on every story
  • Sign-up/manage your newsletter subscriptions with a single click
  • Get notified by email for early access to discounts & offers on our products
Sign in

Comments

Comments have to be in English, and in full sentences. They cannot be abusive or personal. Please abide by our community guidelines for posting your comments.

We have migrated to a new commenting platform. If you are already a registered user of The Hindu and logged in, you may continue to engage with our articles. If you do not have an account please register and login to post comments. Users can access their older comments by logging into their accounts on Vuukle.