You posted a picture of a red flower. You were happy to see it, you said. And share it. On social media! Seriously? What are you trying to prove? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Or friends like us? Have you even thought about us? All actions have repercussions, you know.
At first, emojis pour in. Emojis come cheap. Red hearts galore. Then, a red face – someone who’s angry. Or whose fat fingers hit the wrong key. Then a flurry of emojis with thumbs stuck up. They approve that you approve of red flowers.
Here come the comments.
Red flower. Where? This breed is not native to our country. Where are you travelling?
Five people take wild guesses about where you’re travelling to, and 3 go on to guess whom you’re travelling with. And now, the always-annoyed begin.
Why pick this poor flower? Flowers are meant to be on trees, not on social media.
The thread weaves its way through societal moral decay, deforestation, forest fires, Greta, Elon, Mars missions, conspiracy theories. And then, it turns red.
Is the red flower a secret symbol?
You are accused of sending messages to secret communist clubs and of sending secret messages of love to other spouses. Someone demands you take off your post before his wife finds out. You’re not sure what. You’re not even sure who his wife is. You thought he was single.
Happy Anniversary! What beautiful red flowers. The next 11 commenters wish you Happy Anniversary.
Till someone says: I sent you flowers last birthday, but you didn’t post a pic of those.
In addition to being communist, flirtatious and a destroyer of nature, you are now accused of being biased.
A few people post pictures of their own flowers, in what becomes a competition of whose garden is the most glittering.
What compost do you use? I’m getting white spots on my flowers. Links are sent to different types of fungus, manure and spot removers.
I have never had spots or pimples.
No flowers or cosmetics can make you look better. True beauty comes from within. This is a pic of my daughter with no makeup on. She is a lawyer, a YouTube chef and a star gymnast.
Multiple people congratulate the daughter. One wishes her Happy Anniversary because he’s driving and texting, and can’t quite follow the thread. 11 others wish her Happy Anniversary too till the parent rages that she is single.
Your red flower gets quickly forwarded to various lobbies. Some applaud your courage, others threaten you with excruciating punishments.
Meanwhile, you get home after a full day at work to find a group of people outside your house with posters demanding: Choose Red or Dead. Your account is blocked. Your neighbours are furious. Your family won’t talk to you. And someone has left a sack of manure outside your door.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks
