My wife and I are going through a separation. Our daughter, 10, is closer is to my wife. Is it a better idea for her to speak to her first?
Parents’ separation can be a difficult time for children and it is most important that both you and your wife, despite your differences, sit down and talk to your daughter together. The three messages that your daughter needs to get are: she is loved and will continue to be loved by both of you, that despite the separation both of you will make sure that her life is not disrupted much and that this separation is not her fault at all.
The last one is important, as many times children start blaming themselves for parents’ conflict. She needs to hear it from both of you to minimise confusion or misunderstanding and get reassurance that she will still be loved unconditionally by both of you. No matter what.
My mother-in-law, who is a retired paediatrician, keeps advising us on various matters of childcare and her information is often outdated. My husband however, feels we should go with her advice each time she offers it. How do I balance this?
This is a very delicate situation as it has the potentiality of creating a conflict in the family, so you will have to manage it with a lot of care, consideration and astuteness.
First of all, have a conversation with your husband. Make sure that you do this when both of you are feeling calm. Tell him that you sense that there is a slight difference of opinion on this issue and you would like to sort it out. Listen to him and understand his perspective. Maybe he does not want to hurt his mother or maybe he thinks she is actually the right person to go to for advise. After listening to him, give him your perspective. Together, you could reach a resolution, where for some issues you would consult your mother-in-law and appreciate her care, wisdom and involvement.
However, for other issues, you could consult another paediatrician.
Dr Shelja Sen is a child and adolescent psychologist, family therapist and author. She is the co-founder of Children First, an institute for child & adolescent mental health.
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