The Westernised idea of detoxifiction has been around as long as yoga pants, herbal smoothies, green tea, maybe even (gut) colonisation. So when the wise chaps at Oxford Dictionaries decided that the 2018 word of the year was ‘toxic’, we dug deeper to find out why. Apparently, we’d looked it up 45% more times than the previous year, in a sort of affirmation that our personal traumas had become collective ones, with the rise of the #MeToo movement, radicalism, and fake news. An analysis by the company threw up that of the top 10 words that were most likely to follow the word ‘toxic’ in conversations online, three were ‘work environment/culture’, ‘masculinity’ and ‘relationships’. This year, let the discussion be about detoxifying, emotionally and mentally, rather than just physically.
Toxic work environments
When a company’s culture or your colleagues leave you feeling like the only reason you’re there is because you have bills to pay, you know you’re in a toxic workplace that will affect well-being. No, work shouldn’t be ‘part of the grind’ at all.
Identify the signs
Do you feel excluded or unaccepted?
Are the rules at your workplace unclear, or inconsistent?
Is the competition unhealthy?
Is your boss aggressive rather than assertive?
Do you get constructive feedback about your work or do you get personal criticism?
Lessons from the past
“Recently, I was at a place where they served the same coffee that my first workplace used to,” says 25-year-old Sharanya*. “Just that whiff was enough to bring back some really bad memories.” Sharanya’s first job as a producer was at a major TV channel. “I’d had a very sheltered life growing up. It was a shock to me that people could actually be manipulative, and mistreat others,” she says. While it helped that she had a couple of trusted colleagues who offered her support during her nervous breakdown, what made a bigger difference was speaking to HR about it.
She was put under a different manager. Changing departments brought only temporary relief, however. She did receive better feedback from her new boss, but soon realised that she just did not enjoy her job. “I would visualise this grey filter around me all the time. The thought of going to work became physically constricting.” She soon realised she needed to quit. On the good days however, what kept her afloat was being around people she cared about. Separating work and personal life is a skill that comes in handy especially in startups, where traditional hierarchies are absent — the bosses may in fact be your friends.
Toxic masculinity
A phrase that evokes heated debate: some enraged by the description of masculinity as something toxic, and others labelling it a product of years of patriarchy. (Case in point, Gillette’s new ad, urging men to not use ‘boys will be boys’ as an excuse for bad behaviour.) Provocative terminology aside, the phrase deals with the normalisation of violent behaviour or binding boundaries on ideas of ‘macho’ men.
Identify the signs
Do you repress your emotions to fit the idea of a strong man?
Would you not pursue a certain line of work, or buy a certain product, despite being passionate about it, only because it is deemed feminine?
Are you homophobic or transphobic?
Do you consider women inferior or their contribution to society as being unequal to that of men?
Do you believe the man is the head of the house, the breadwinner, and he must be the most respected in the family?
Do you express anger through aggression?
Do you shy away from hugs or tears because it is not a ‘manly’ thing to do?
Lessons from the past
Pavan was 13 when he took growth-enhancement pills. The now-19-year-old homosexual man recalls, “I had been insecure about my facial hair growth. Thanks to constant social conditioning, I felt that if I was not as masculine as my dad, I would disappoint him,” he says. Even today, he is subject to ridicule, sometimes, when he wears jeggings, for instance and steps out of his university campus. However, he is no longer that insecure eighth-grader. He escaped the influence of toxic masculinity through not only the support of close friends, but also a network of people over social media, who, like him, were constantly challenging the norms that society set.
Sex education has expanded to being about understanding consent and respect, along with protection. Hopefully, companies will put thought into building structures that are less geared to encouraging aggression, and more about empathy.
Toxic relationships
There are ups and downs in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. However, if the distress lasts so long that it’s exhausting to be with that person, question the relationship.
Identify the signs
Have you been enduring the relationship rather than enjoying it? Feelings of suffocation, or being manipulated, or neglected are red flags.
How responsive is your partner? The responsibility of maintaining a good relationship should not lie on you alone.
Is there repetitive humiliation or stress that belittles your self-esteem? Draw a line between ‘tough love’ and abuse.
Are your children replicating the relationships outside the home? They may become either aggressive to regain the control that they do not experience at home, or become excessively dependent on others to make themselves feel better.
Lessons from the past
When talking about bad relationships, the focus is so often on couples that we forget friendships can be toxic too. Despite having been ghosted (cut off all ties without warning) twice by the same man, 25-year-old Pallavi* continued being friends with him. Looking back, she regrets it: “He was always dismissive of me. I don’t think he even knew me as a person.”
The power in their equation lay with him. “He once said ‘If I wanted to, I could have taken advantage of you’. And I still forgave him!” It was after moving to a new place, where she found friends who treated her well that she finally ended their friendship. She wrote him an email, explaining why. “I felt like I needed to confront this thing that happened, say it out loud that it was disrespectful.”
Cutting off a person who has toxic habits with you is not always the go-to solution. We all come to the table with our own baggage, and the relationship evolves when we acknowledge we have problems, and help each other out. Start by being true to yourself, which will make you more honest in your relationship. Examine if your own defences are sabotaging closeness.
Try communicating with the person concerned to share your own experiences and understand theirs. You may consider getting professional help from a therapist. If the other person is not receptive, it is best to let go. Introspect, and see if there are patterns in your relationships, that result from some deep-seated insecurities. Set limits to what kind of behaviour is unacceptable to you, for the future.
*Names changed to protect identity.
With inputs from Prof MV Lakshmi Devi, organisational psychologist, Dr Amit Sen, child and adolescent psychiatrist, and Nupur Dhakephalkar, clinical psychologist, Centre for Mental Health, Pune
Published - January 21, 2019 12:37 pm IST
