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Have you checked out the National Biryani Register

I think the first-order-of-the-day, instead of chicken biryani, should be getting Swiggy to share its data with us

I think the first-order-of-the-day, instead of chicken biryani, should be getting Swiggy to share its data with us  

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The way to a citizen’s heart can be found through their Swiggy order

I think this whole anti-CAA/NCR protest-thingie is a Machiavellian diversion engineered by the tukde-tukde gang to distract us from the real revolution that is quietly, aromatically, unfolding right under our noses. In fact, despite our naive nostrils getting daily whiffs of this horror as it arrives innocently at the homes of our so-called friends, our neighbours and relatives, we remain totally oblivious to it.

Patriotic readers, who form the very core of my fan base, this is for you: in 2019, Indians ordered an average 95 biryanis per minute from Swiggy. That is 4,99,32,000 biryanis in one year. You’d think the libtards would have stopped with that. Nooo. They ordered 17,69,399 gulab jamuns and 2,00,301 portions of halwa, too! And this is just Swiggy. Add what’s consumed via other home-delivery apps and by folks dining out, and you can see the scale of the evil being perpetrated in plain sight.

Biryani (not to mention gulab jamun and halwa), as any desh bhakt will know, was a diabolical Mughal plot to qawwali-fy and corrupt our simple khakra/dhokla/thepla-eating sanskari citizenry. If you know our history, you’d see that, thanks to a game of dice played just before Independence, Jinnah got to keep Pakistan, and Nehru, out of sheer spite, chose to keep biryani.

This is biological warfare. You’ve heard the old saying ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.’ Who do you expect the heart to sympathise with if the stomach is constantly supplying it with delicious biryani? Three guesses.

Had the right people been in charge, a large effigy of biryani would have been burnt at midnight, the recipe books thrown into the bonfire, and the plot would have been nipped in the leg-piece. And we would be celebrating August 16 as Mughal Biryani Vidhvans Diwas, by bathing in thandai and adorning pictures of Arnab Goswami (an avatar that our puranas foretold) with garlands of brinjal.

That was yesterday. We need to think of tomorrow. How do we de-mujra-fy and re-vegetarianise our gullible populace and get them eating fafdas, dal dhokli and other patriotic food items?

I think the first-order-of-the-day, instead of chicken biryani, should be getting Swiggy to share its data with us. And put everyone who has ordered this unholy trinity of edible evils in the well-appointed reformation centres that we have been building without much fanfare in our ancient land.

In a two-step programme, we could not only teach the former biryani-bingers and gulab jamun gobblers to be patriotic again, but also have them contribute to our $5 trillion economy in the process!

Step 1 is to extract the noxious biryani residue that has adhered to their intestines since Nehru’s time. This can be done by making them do our time-tested, highly effective pavana-mukta-asana. This will detox them of pernicious Mughlai thoughts and all else once and for all.

Step 2 would be to pipe the pavana that has attained mukti and give it free of cost to all the misled youth currently protesting and making kolams on the streets for no reason. This will rid them of their misgivings, make them rush home, and set up individual pakora units to uplift the country. Unemployment problem gone!

Trust me, it’ll be a lot cheaper than implementing NCR.

All of you made fun of our minister when she said she didn’t eat onions. Where do you think the maximum onions are consumed? In the raita that accompanies biryani. Don’t see you scoffing now, do we?

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.

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Printable version | Jan 28, 2020 12:34:05 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/life-and-style/food/national-biryani-register/article30469218.ece

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