When friendships fail…

Sometimes even the best of friends fall out. Try to get over the grief and move on

June 28, 2010 08:38 pm | Updated 08:38 pm IST

GOOD TIMES Can end unexpectedly Photo: M. Moorthy

GOOD TIMES Can end unexpectedly Photo: M. Moorthy

It could be a combination of factors — from a fight over something or someone to the lack of need for each other. But, the truth is, the best of friends sometimes stop being so; sadly, even turn foes.

A yawning chasm in friendship does not develop suddenly; it's just that the warning signs either went unnoticed or were ignored. Strangely, it's only in hindsight that they realise that the signs had been there all along.

When a good friendship ends, it causes a lot of grief to those involved; the intensity may even match or exceed the pain of a romantic rift. This is because, over the years the friendship becomes a habit — a pleasurable one at its best, a comfortable one at its most prosaic.

Hanging out with the friend is as natural as spending time with family. Attempting a new venture, discussing interests… all become doubly pleasurable when it's with a friend.

A close friendship also nurtures a closed circle of two. The two do spend time with others, (together and individually), but as the bond grows stronger, it can, unwittingly, become the two vs. the rest. Secure in their own circle-of-two, they do not notice this, or if they do, do not care.

A family affair

Certain friendships extend to families — the freedom to go to each others' homes; the invitations to family functions; and in some cases, even becoming a confidante to the friend's family. The progression seems most natural.

Just as sacrifices in the relationship seem.

When the friendship is at its strongest, nothing given up for the other is too big a sacrifice. It could alternate among commonplace, vital, important and crucial — such as settling for a film one is not to keen on; attending an event with the friend who'd rather avoid it; giving up on something or someone just because the friend insists… And then, one not-so-fine day, life comes calling. And, the friendship falls apart. The cause of the rift are many.

It could be because of something the friend said or did, or failed to say or do — trust leaves. In some cases, a new friendship does this one in.

In quite a few other cases, best friends simply outgrow each other.

A lifetime of shared secrets, interests and activities suddenly seems pointless; spending time with the other becomes a painful chore. Both friends want to move on… And, there are anxieties to be dealt with, after the fall out, because in most instances, it is akin to losing a dear one from the family.

There is anguish, there are tears, and a sense of intense loss. Nothing anyone can say can lessen the hurt, the pain. But, they can gradually get over it, and meet and greet without any awkwardness.

Of course, it needs a little work. And, as the cliché goes time really is a great healer.

POINTS TO REMEMBER

* Think long and hard about the failed friendship, and evaluate

* Don't brood. It was a rich relationship; it gave you a lot — remember the good ones, let go of the bad

* Decide if you want to mend the rift. If so, ask yourself if what you need to do is asking too much of you

*If you have decided to mend the rift, give the relationship a trial period of one month. If old problems return, well…

* Hold onto the ‘move on' mantra. If the friendship was doing more harm than good, it really was time to end it. Sentiment is all very well, but life is all about change

* Forgive the transgressions in the friendship. Forgive your friend, forgive yourself, move on…

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