I had been friends with her since we were four years old. For 12 years, we had had each other’s backs as the popular saying goes, and she was my ‘constant’ during that time, even when I had to move away for a few years to boarding school.
We shared typical adolescent stuff — secrets, dreams, crushes — but it was an important bond to me. When I came back home, we still interacted. But now it seemed like she was always at home, taking off too much time from school. I knew that she was extremely ill, but no one really could tell why. She never talked much to me either. I was 16 when she suddenly passed away. It was then I learned that she had been quietly suffering from cancer, and had chosen to tell no one.
For me, it was an extremely unpleasant time. My best friend had been the nicest, kindest person and no one could match up to her in my life. She was so genuine, so irreplaceable. I cried hard and I could not stop for a while; I was so angry and sad at the same time. Life was unfair, incredibly unfair and the world felt wrong and illogical at the same time. It had no right to take away someone like her from me.
It took me four years to get past what happened to her. The first year was the toughest; I simply did not stop crying. A void had been created, and it seemed like no one could ever help me fill it. I cannot explain this feeling of emptiness, but the best I can do is say that it feels like you have only bones. You can’t feel anything solid on the inside.
The worst part wasn’t the incredible grief — it was this overwhelming feeling of guilt. In our class, it hung over us like a cloud. We shared in it — she was our classmate and none of us had known that she was suffering from cancer, let alone the fact that she was dying. This guilt, I think, made it harder to cope with her passing. We could have done something, as irrational as it sounds.
It took me a long time, before I moved on from my grief. I moved abroad for college, experienced love, listened to life-saving music and wrote a great deal. I made friends with some amazing people who showed me how important it is to be happy. I found a way to live, with fond memories of the girl with whom I shared everything, even my clothes.
All of this had a healing impact on my life. More importantly, I tried to never take anyone — my friends, family, and even acquaintances — for granted. It sounds clichéd but after an experience like that, you learn to cherish what you can get. I shall never, ever forget her.
