My friends Patricia and Patrick Phillips invited me over to their Bandra flat last night. Offering up prawn fry and orange juice, they announced, "Christmas is round the corner". As if it was a top secret. Then they said I had a very important role to play. Patrick explained, “The festival is huge in Bandra. This year, the Chuim Village Welfare Association is playing the lead role. We are helping them. It was decided that you will look after some musical activities.” Before I could get a word in, he hastily said, “No, you won’t perform.”
The prawn almost got stuck in my throat, but I mumbled, “The only Christmas songs I know are ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Jingle Bells’.” Patricia continued, “Your name was suggested by Brian Tellis, the master of ceremonies. You will be paid handsomely, will get a new suit for every event, three sets of shoes and be driven around in an Audi. Food is on the house, but alcohol only after duty. Just three jobs over the next ten days or so.”
The brief was given. One, I would conduct the welcome choir at different churches before mass. I responded, “I don't know the difference between a baritone and a bartender, or a soprano or sorpotel. And you want...?” Patrick said, “Rebecca, Maryann, Janice and the tenor Rodney will help you. You just keep moving your hands.”
I told them I didn’t care about the guy. “I am on for this. What’s the next job?” Patricia said, “Some rich people will be hosting lavish parties. Ranveer will come with Anushka, Virat with Priyanka, Nick Jonas with Deepika. You have to be the DJ.” Totally confused about the couples, I said, “The only music I play is heavy metal bands like Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Cannibal's Corpse. Sorry, they won't fit.” Patrick offered to help, “We have love songs by Engelbert Humperdinck, Paul Anka, Doris Day, etc. Some instrumentals by The Ventures and The Shadows. Just rotate them. No Bollywood. The oldies will dance.”
Okay, what next? The duo cooed, “You shall be Santa Claus distributing rare Christmas CDs and pen drives. Bob Dylan, Jethro Tull and Mariah Carey have released such stuff.” I shot back, “Never heard of Dylan or this Jethro fellow but Mariah doing spiritual music?”
A glass of white wine was served and the main course had chorizo pao, chicken pulao and mixed veggies. Patrick was happy I confirmed the job. He went on, “The celebrations begin tomorrow. There’s a lot more. Louiz Banks will play jazz standards. Merlin D'Souza and her all-star band will play pop. Neale Murray will do country. There will be a new rock band called Bandroids. Lots of guitars. DJ Russel Almeida will play an assortment at Door No 1. Meldan and Kevin D'Cunha are organising karaoke nights at Soul Fry. The Sing India Sing cast will masquerade as buskers. Turkey, pancakes, caviar, champagne.”
It sounded great, but I had one doubt. Would people accept my name? Patrick chuckled, “You shall call yourself Norman D’Kuscruz. We have arranged a makeshift Aadhaar card in case of trouble.” Amen!
