Yarn it! Entertainment

Four weddings and a divorce

Or how to get millions of views in less than 24 hours

Your phone’s been pinging itself dizzy, with the speed at which celebs are getting married. And how can they, unless you’re fully informed about each?

Paris burning, floods and fights — yawn! This is the stuff that real eye-popping, jaw-dropping headlines are made of: Nick was in kindergarten when PC won Miss India. DP wears the pants. Ranveer wears pink. Nick looks like an auto rickshaw driver. PC looks like his mum. Mommy Singh disapproves. Polluting fireworks at the Jonas shaadi. PC’s dress is see-through. Give it a month – we can see the cracks.

There’s no good news better than bad news.

So what if they’re newly-weds? Give us a peep through the keyhole. Surely someone’s cribbing, fighting, walking out, cheating with exes? Don’t these celebs have a heart? Can’t they let us in on some heartbreak that’s ‘Coming Up Next Episode, Stay Tuned’? All this romance and love can’t be right; they’re stars, they’ve got to entertain us, not dole out soporific sugariness. Thankfully, there are kinder celebs to restore our faith in the brats of the (Bolly)hood. Malaika keeps getting seen hotting it up with Arjun. The B’s are snubbing poor Ash. Look how Big B holds his daughter’s hand, instead of his daughter-in-law’s. Look at it from every camera angle, analyse the warmth of the touch, the distance between elbows. Poor, poor Ash!

There are other weddings to juice. The Isha Ambani/Anand Piramal budget crossed the GDP of a few small states. (Or was that just the invitation card?) Page Threes who didn’t get OTP invites are demoted to Page 13. Who is not going for Kapil Sharma’s wedding and why? Is Rakhi Sawant’s groom real or not? Alia and Ranbir aren’t even marrying, why bhai, why?

The royals, of course, lead by example. Megan and Kate can’t see eye to eye. The sisters-in-law are driving the brothers apart. Ah, delicious! Now, that’s what you call entertainment! Show us the things that go cravenly, crookedly wrong. Slow-mo the tumble from the pedestal.

We want to see these porcelain-perfect celebs whom we worship, crash from their heights and smash into smithereens. You’ll get 147K views for sure in the first four hours!

Wait, let’s get the popcorn out and then click the link. Are those mascara tears rolling down pancake cheeks? Views just jumped to 339K.

She called him a What? That’s tomorrow’s newspaper headlines, for sure. He was seen with his ex? 553K views, 29,013 shares, 5,019 comments.

They’re headed for splitsville? How delightfully tragic!

Can’t blame the celebs. Can’t blame the media. They’ve got to feed this ravenous pack of wolves baying for blood. Who us? Please — we are fans, we love celebs! And as much as those sentimentally-impossible love stories on screen pull in the crowds, in real life, the stars can’t be selfish enough to be happy. Marriages may be made in heaven, but we’re really looking for those divorces spawned in hell.

Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.

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Printable version | Apr 2, 2020 10:04:13 PM | https://www.thehindu.com/entertainment/four-weddings-and-a-divorce/article25742377.ece

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