Since I can recall, a common grouse against regret as an emotion is that it is unattractive, old-school and a sign of weakness. Although unsure how the undesirability of regret gained ground, by the time I was an adult, regret had been institutionalised for its ungainly appeal, for the confident, independent human.
We heard claims, “I have no regrets, regrets are pointless”; or veiled threats from adults, “If you don’t do this today, you will regret it when you’re our age.” The irony, too, was visible all along. Was it possible to live a life with no regrets even if we proudly insisted, we have none? So, when Daniel Pink’s research-backed bestseller The Power of Regret gained word-of-mouth, I found in it some answers that had piqued me for a while.
Let’s first touch upon the widely popular notions about regret, that it makes one look back to decisions and choices that we cannot change, that it is a weak emotion, and a sign of weakness, and that optimists must only look forward and ahead.
Potential to transform
In his book, Pink calls having no regrets ‘a philosophy of life for many over years… nonsense, even dangerous’. In what is now called the World Regret Survey to challenge widely-held assumptions about emotions and behaviour, Pink explains that regret carries a positive, constructive and transformative force to work smarter and live better.
One of the most brilliant examples of the potential of regret is in the research-supported data that reveals that the bronze medallist in a competitive sport is almost always happier, and more contented than the silver medallist. Termed as the solace of ‘at least’ versus the sting of ‘if only’, because human beings are built to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. The irony, however, ends here. While ‘at least’ preserves our feelings in the moment, it rarely enhances future choices and performance. While ‘if only’ makes one feel small today, it is a cue that leads one to introspect, strategise and prepare for tomorrow. It is almost always the silver medallist who will pick up the pieces, introspect and interrogate the loopholes in training, re-train and strive for the gold in the next opportunity. This is a compelling sampling of the power of regret; a much maligned and misunderstood emotion.
A lot of this misunderstanding is in the connection drawn between ‘having no regret’ and ‘living with courage’. The human discomfort with admitting a flawed choice or hardship in the past is at the heart of this misunderstanding. The research data turns this on its head and suggests that having no regret means continuing to live without reflection or learning from a mistake; whereas all improvement and progress springs from learning from the past.
The opportunity in regret as a useful emotion is best understood in the four categories that Pink arrives at, gleaned from reams of responses in the diverse survey:
Foundation regrets: Fundamental regrets around education, finance, and health are deeply rooted as expressions of core regret about our failure to be responsible, honest and pragmatic. The compounding effects of choices made early in life around these areas box us down later in life, sometimes inescapably.
Boldness regrets: It is entirely based on our choices, and actions thereon. It is clear that we spend more time thinking of the chances we didn’t take than the ones we did. Our inaction at pivotal stages of life haunts us. The risks that we didn’t take at crucial junctures in life far outweigh the contentment from the wise choices and action.
Moral regrets: As the name suggests, these haunt us later from our failure to act out of our moral code rather than convenience or lack of judgment. Deceiving or misleading someone falls squarely in this category, irrespective of the situation that may have rationalised the choice.
Connection regrets: According to the research, broken or unfulfilled relationships contribute to the largest category of regrets. Since the connection is the lifeblood of our lives, our failing to honour relationships with parents, siblings, spouses, and friends, lead to long-lasting regret and loss.
Some regrets sound like a disappointment. The book says that personal responsibility is foundational to regret. Unlike disappointment, regret is entirely inside our control. And this is why regret can be an empowering tool once we are familiar with the many ways it manifests in our life, and build forward from it.
How Regret sounds: ‘If only I’d done the work’ is a Foundation Regret that stems from our need for stability. ‘If only I’d taken the risk’ is a Boldness Regret anchored in growth. ‘If only I’d done the right thing’ is a Moral Regret that stems from our innate goodness. ‘If only I’d reached out’ is a Connection Regret framed by love.
As an empowering tool, there are ways we can utilise regret for making choices and improvements. For instance, for a regrettable action either undo, apologise, make amends or acknowledge it. The book suggests disclosure of a regret to someone close or journaling — actions that will normalise or neutralise its nagging effect. A more productive way is to reflect, to internalise the lessons learnt from it. And, as we begin to recognise a regret for what it is and before we take action under its shadow, we must project to a specific point in the future and choose the most pragmatic and rewarding action, for the long-term.
Nivedita is an executive and life coach, mentor and writer. Her email is nivedita@lifealigncoaching.com
