Thoughts arise in us all the time. When we are focused on an activity, our thoughts may pertain to the task at hand. But, every now and then, stray thoughts meander in. So, when you are working on your linear algebra problems, you suddenly remember that you need to renew your passport or fret that your parents won’t let you stay out late. These thoughts constitute our inner monologue and are called “self-talk” in psychological parlance. Often, our self-talk determines the quality of our lives, often more so than actual happenings.
If we are under stress, and bleak and dark thoughts dominate our innerscape, then, we may benefit from distancing ourselves from our toxic thinking. In an article on the website of Psyche, social psychologist, Ariana Orvell offers tips to help us gain a more balanced perspective on our lives. Through her research, Orvell discovered that even minor linguistic tweaks can change how we view a situation. Thus, when we use the second or third person when talking about ourselves to ourselves, we obtain a more distanced and less “egocentric perspective” about our situation.
Step back
“I just can’t focus while studying. At this rate, I’m going to fail my exams” is a negative thought. The moment you spot one, try to dig deeper into why this happens. Instead of asking yourself the first-person question, “Why am I feeling this way?, ask “Why are you feeling this way? or “Why is (use your own name) feeling like this?” When people try to make sense of their negative thoughts using “distanced self-talk” or the second or third person, they tend to view the situation more objectively. Even chronic worriers and ruminators benefit from this technique.
Orvell cites research to show that using distanced self-talk as opposed to immersed self-talk, which relies on the first-person, is helpful in reappraising a threatening situation. When people spoke to themselves using the second or third person, shortly before giving a speech in public, they were less stressed and perceived the upcoming event as a challenge rather than as a threat.
Beyond helping curtail negativity, distanced self-talk may also help in decision-making, negotiation and moral reasoning. The subtle, but powerful, linguistic sleight of hand has also been found to work with children as young as four years old. Orvell reports that children persist longer on a tedious computer game when they periodically ask themselves “Is Leela (using their own name) working hard?” versus “Am I working hard?” Additionally, if children are coaxed to take on the name of a powerful fictional character (like Superman or Power Girl), they work even harder.
That this technique may be deployed by anyone anywhere attests to its ease, flexibility, and convenience. It may be used as an inner speech or in writing, as in a journal or diary. Either way, you need to replace the first-person ‘I’ with a name or a second- or third-person pronoun such as ‘you,’ ‘he’, or ‘she.’ You may use it when you are sitting back and mulling over issues on your own or, in the moment during social interactions.
For example, if you are interacting with a neighbour who triggers your buttons, you may have been advised to take a deep breath. While exhaling slowly, ask yourself, “How should Sumana (your own name) respond?” instead of saying, “What should I say?” This will help you step back a bit from your own thoughts and feelings, thereby lending you a more objective lens of the situation. Over time, as you learn to view your own life as if you were another, you may become your own best advisor.
The writer blogs at www.arunasankaranaryanan.com and is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know.
