Most self–help and confidence boosting books, articles and programmes counsel you to focus on the positive things in your life, your innate strengths. This, they say, is the best route to tackle your feelings of fear, insecurity and inhibition. But what if the source of these negative traits is someone in your circle? Someone who wants you to struggle? They enjoy putting you down. They point out your mistakes. They ignore you, make unfair comparisons with your peers, and so on.
These emotions — fear and insecurity — can adversely affect even the most talented amongst us. They can dampen enthusiasm, destroy confidence and prevent positive action. Anyone who is the victim of constant put-downs by seniors at work or a family member at home knows what it is to cope with such a situation. Even as one enters the office or the home of an in-law a sense of pressure and unease sets in. What will he say to me today? What new trick will she play on me ?
This person whose life’s mission seems to be to hurt others takes some morbid pleasure in snubbing you, ignoring your contribution and never passes up a chance of running you down in public by belittling your efforts. If the attacker is someone younger than you it compounds the feelings of depression and humiliation and can be all the more devastating to one’s self-esteem.
What to do?
First of all understand why this is happening. A person “puts down” others due to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Their self-image is poor and they feel good behaviour will be interpreted as weakness. They can only feel better about themselves by making others feel bad. Inflicting pain and discomfort on others gives them an illusion of power. Think! Can such actions come from confidence or happiness? No! They emerge from a dark space inside the pain-giver’s mind. This may surprise you but your tormentor might actually be jealous of you.
Next, your oppressor cannot be stopped by hitting back. Indeed that is precisely what he/she is looking for — a reaction. An angry response, an outburst, going into a sulk. So, don’t give him or her the satisfaction of an immediate response. Don’t fight your tormentor. Fight your own tendency to lash out and find the relief you are seeking. Stay calm. Fight to stay calm.
Another thing you can try is to offer a dignified silence. Silence is a great tool. Ignoring someone who is putting you down denies them the pleasure of a response from you. Should you waste time playing his/her toxic game? His/her tantrums will be countered by your good behaviour. Carry on without even looking at him. But how can you ignore your hurt? Something that has helped a lot of people is this tactic. What would you do if nothing was said, nothing was done? Approach the other person exactly as if nothing has been said or done to you.
Bit by bit you will realise that onlookers will respect your approach and attitude. They may not voice their support, but it is there all the same. A day will come when this is acknowledged or when your adversary comes to you for help. When that day comes, what should you do? Continue to be dignified, considerate and gracious. Your manner when you help your detractor should match the unruffled exterior you showed when you were his target.
Passing on the pain inflicted by others only gives an illusion of strength. Absorbing it and not passing it on is what will make you truly strong.
The writer is Series Editor, Living in Harmony, (Oxford University Press). minioup@gmail.com
