As a young person, you are probably used to people freely doling out advice to you, whether you have asked for it or not. Everyone with a bit of an age advantage seems to tell you how to live your life, what choices to make, which path to take and how to pack for that journey. But stop, isn’t that what I have been doing all along, through this column?
So, I must first offer an apology (for continuing to give advice) and a disclaimer (that’s the task I have been given).
By and large, we don’t need lessons in giving advice. It seems to be an instinct that takes root quite quickly. No sooner than we’ve encountered something (no matter whether it is first, second or third hand), we feel we can talk about it with some level of ownership and experience.
We not only share the insights we may have acquired through this process but we also begin to tell people how to deal with it when they encounter something (that we think might be) similar. When our advice is dismissed as being inapplicable to their context, or ignored, we often feel quite miffed. It is one thing if the advice was sought, in which case maybe (just maybe) you may expect it to be taken seriously. But if it is unsolicited advice, there is no reason one should feel slighted in the least bit, if it is ignored.
Let us turn the situation around and think about how you like to deal with advice that people give you. Speaking for myself, I do ask people for inputs now and then, and what I get may range from offhand tips and anecdotes to sit-down-serious conversations rich with how-to plans and blueprints. Usually, I listen patiently, weigh the different inputs and pick and choose the bits I think are most suitable to my situation. Rarely do I take advice as if it is a readymade solution unless, of course, it has to do with places to eat or find the best bargains! So there’s no reason I should expect my own advice to be taken without some amount of filtering, or even for it to be taken at all.
Perspectives
When we ask for advice, it is usually because we are unable to achieve sufficient distance from a problem or a question to think with complete clarity.
We believe that another person will be able to see the situation unemotionally and weigh the options more carefully than we might. Another reason could be that we want to get as many points of view as possible, so that we gain the advantage of multiple perspectives. At other times, we simply want someone to confirm what we already know, to lend strength to our own ideas.
Generally, when we ask for advice, what we want is a suggestion or two. Most people are certainly not looking for instructions on how to do something or asking to be told what to do (that would be an order and we really don’t want to be ordered around, do we?).
It is important to figure out why exactly you are asking for advice because that will also help you decide whose/which bit of advice you want to finally consider. In the same way, it would help to understand why someone is asking you for advice; it might help you offer the right kind of advice, at the right level of detail.
Usha Raman
The author teaches at the University of Hyderabad and edits Teacher Plus. usha.bpgll@gmail.com
