A handbook for mums

Pallavi Aiyar tells a no-holds-barred story of her journey from hard-nosed journalist to sleep-deprived mother.

June 11, 2016 04:00 pm | Updated October 18, 2016 12:34 pm IST

Babies & Bylines: Parenting on the move; Pallavi Aiyar, HarperCollins, Rs. 350.

Babies & Bylines: Parenting on the move; Pallavi Aiyar, HarperCollins, Rs. 350.

In parts sarcastic, witty, serious and evocative, Pallavi Aiyar’s narrative is honest and relatable by most, especially new mothers and working parents. It doesn’t strive to be a pregnancy and childcare manual akin to a What to Expect , and neither does it invoke Cosmo -esque ‘How to revive your sex life after childbirth’ insights. Rather, Aiyar raises pertinent questions about the societal norms and gendered roles that place an unequal weight on mothers in their journey to parenthood. Are these roles a result of nature or nurture?

The author talks of dealing with guilt vis-à-vis her employers, when they learn of her pregnancy and impending motherhood. And rightly points out the need to elevate “fatherhood to the same hallowed footing as motherhood… by enforcing paternity leave” thus giving men the “social sanction and economic sanction needed to find value in their role as fathers.” The focus of public policy needs to shift from women in the workplace to men in the family, she writes.

Aiyar is astute in her observations and makes pithy remarks at the unfairness of it all, as she juggles baby care and professional aspirations. Celebrated author Pankaj Mishra (of Butter Chicken ... fame) is at the receiving end of her sarcasm when he, also parent to a young child, coolly acknowledges being able to travel the globe, thanks to a “good support system” back home. “You mean you have a wife,” Aiyar retorts.

When she gets pregnant for the second time, Aiyar finds herself overcompensating at work, and unconsciously wrestling with gender-related guilt. “Men have a greater self-worth professionally, than women,” she points out. She cites studies that explain how professional under-confidence in women can be “unlearnt through practice and policy” — so that women don’t feel “professionally cowed by a pregnancy”. She also draws attention to the gender wage gap, the everlasting bone of contention in feminist discourse down the centuries.

Another important idea she raises is the perception of the negative effect of motherhood on a woman’s professionalism. In fact, she says, motherhood should affect a woman’s approach to work, as fatherhood should a man’s. “All change does not have to be deleterious.” Can women have it all? The answer is no. Men can’t have it all either, or children, for that matter, the author says. It seems a fallacy to believe otherwise.

Aiyar returns to work a few months after her delivery. Around the same time, a cousin of hers, another new mum, a high-flying corporate lawyer, decides to give up her career and focus on bringing up her child. Aiyar is shocked by the decision but goes on to ponder the idea of ‘choice’ in feminism. Any decision a mother makes, whether to continue working after a baby or to not, is fraught with doubts, risks and extreme levels of planning and management. A healthy work-life balance or “leaning-in” at work has more to do with good fortune and circumstances than anything else, she concludes. Aiyar has a mature outlook. In fact, as the narrative progresses, one can see her growth and transformation into not just a mother but an adult.

Particularly heart-wrenching and immensely relatable are her struggles with breastfeeding and dealing with colic in both her babies. She says of her first-born: “Ishaan could be as well-fed and watered as the Indian president’s favourite rose in the Mughal Gardens, as dry as the state of Gujarat, and as rocked as a passenger in the general compartment of an overnight train, and still be screeching his lungs out.” As with most pregnancy and baby-related issues, colic is often chalked up to be the “mother’s fault”, and in Aiyar’s case, attributed to inadequate breastfeeding. “Bloody breasts! How I’d come to hate them,” she cries out in exasperation.

The book is full of such heartfelt moments. When her husband, Julio, tries to help her out with breastfeeding, she sees it as more “finger pointing”. “What I wanted was affirmation that I was a good mother despite problems with my milk supply.” Failure to breastfeed remains high on Aiyar’s “hierarchy of guilt” and one can’t help but reach out to her mentally and emotionally. She finds an online support group for mothers of fussy and colicky babies. The group soon becomes the cyber “village” she needs to raise her child. “…Just the knowledge that I was not alone in the world…”

Isn’t that what all mums yearn to hear? The book is peppered with interesting anecdotes on Aiyar’s motherhood journey in Beijing, Brussels and Jakarta, with their vastly varying cultures, and plenty of baby tales as Ishaan and Nico grow up. “I am six on the outside, but ten on the inside,” proclaims Ishaan proudly one day.

The road to motherhood is long and tiring. Early in the book, Aiyar states a universal truth: In parenthood, as in life itself, “there is much beyond your control; accept it.” Amen.

Babies & Bylines: Parenting on the move ; Pallavi Aiyar, HarperCollins, Rs. 350.

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